How to start a fight with your wife:
1- Watch your wife buy a squash
2- Put it on the shelf
3- After three months ask your wife if the squash has a name
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if you stab somebody “over a chicken sandwich” you were destined to stab somebody over something, someday. on this day, the wheel of fortune just happened to land on delicious chicken. don’t blame the chicken, baby.
*stops midway* wait….did you say shrek or shark
-me as a tattoo artist
[skywriting]
Karen, do you have the checkbook? The skywriting guy won’t let me out of the plane until he gets his deposit.
I love movies from the 70s because they’re like “it’s okay to be sweaty for no reason” which is important to me
Did you hear about how people in Athens don’t even wake up until noon?
They say dawn is pretty tough on Greece.
Her: Good morning!
Me: So we are starting off the day with a lie?
Snake: What do you do?
Gun shop owner: I’m an arms dealer.
*snake gets super excited*
Halloween gig memory. Playing a nursing home. A lady in a wheelchair started inching forward; about two feet per song. She made it to the front of the stage, smiled and gestured for the microphone. I gave it to her. She yelled, as loud as she could, “GO HOOOOOOOME.” Show over!
On second thought, it was probably a bad idea to start my freestyle rap with “I like oranges.”
American recipes are litch like
•3.5 handfuls of milk
•2/7 cup of cheese
•Pasta to taste
me: i have test anxiety
classmate: it’s okay, jesus has answers
jesus: *descending from sky* the first three are all D
Wife: Use your fingers to make me squirm
Me: *plays Baby Shark on Fisher Price xylophone*
i hate “oomf” because i do not read it as “one of my followers” i read it as mario taking damage in mario 64
Daughter: what does biography mean?
Me: it’s when you tell a story about someone.
[later at movie night]
Wife: let’s watch Cars.
Daughter: [whispers] autobiography.
20% of being the BBC Wimbledon presenter is telling people what other telly programmes have been cancelled.
[Clown College]
Teacher: Ok so balloon animals are pretty simple, you ju-
Pennywise: *raising hand*
Teacher: Any questions that are NOT about eating children?
Pennywise: *sadly putting hand down*
Wife: when did we get a new dishwasher
Me: u said change the dishwasher & stack the baby
Wife: how do u stack a baby
Me: u get other babies
9: The remote isn’t working
me: Did you smack it?
9: Yep
me: Did you push the button down really hard?
9: Yep
me: Well I’m out of ideas
Thanks for the reply to my tweet from 2013, champ. I’ll be sure to take your advice.
Two types of dogs.
Me, before kids: my kids will not spend their time on electronics.
Me, after kids: iPad is your mom now.
My kid told me her toy tarantula and bat had babies and I’ll never sleep again
Last time I went to confession, the priest made me pause so he could open the urban dictionary on his phone.
As an economist, I know the best system is where precisely 12 people have all the money and let it sit idle in offshore accounts
{In class}
ME: Uggh! When will I ever even need to know this?!PRENATAL INSTRUCTOR: Again, when your wife has the baby.
Boss: Working at home is the same as working on location. Our technology will alert us if your computer screen goes into sleep mode, so don’t get distracted from your job.
[ working from home ]
Me:
Me: *reading article about woman with brain worm* “Oh my god, gross!”
My brain worm: “I know! Yuck!”
My washing machine is broken and the laundry is piled so much now, I’ve started to wear old Halloween costumes
Me: can you call me an Uber? It’s too far to walk and it’s getting dark
My spouse: … it’s our mailbox. At the end of our driveway.
I partied like it was 1999 and when I woke up, I was holding a huge flip phone with an enormous roaming charge.