Bread pudding is not a dessert. it is just wet bread. do not fall for this scam. Resist.
You Might Also Like
*reads an article on a subject I know* This is bullshit
*reads an article on a subject I don’t know* If it’s published it must be accurate
WIFE: Wanna split the last slice of pizza?
ME: Nah, you take it
KING SOLOMON (entering dramatically): You, sir, are the pizza’s real mother
Not to brag but my kid is so polite she woke me up to check if she was making too much noise
This classic never gets old . . .
Some of you reached your wit’s end almost immediately.
[Hair Salon]
Stylist: What would you like?
Me: I want it 2 inches longer all over.
Egyptians don’t walk like that.
(filming reality TV show)
him: we’re out here looking for Bigfoot
me: so a guy with just one foot?
him: no, an ape-type creature
me: gotcha. a big hairy guy. with one foot
him: he has 2 feet
me: why isn’t he called BigFeet then?
him: get out
Why did they call it K-pop and not Seoul music?
She says, the kids want to go to the circus.
I say, that I just saved us $400 by jumping out of the kid’s closet wearing a clown costume.
winter should be a week maybe two. ride the high of the holidays and go out with a bang— this whole overstaying its welcome thing is a bad look
I booked a suite at a 5 star hotel and when my girlfriend arrived,on the bed spelled out in rose petals was “be right out,I’m taking a shit”
I just now realized the guy at the urinal that complemented my watch might not have actually just been looking at my watch.
*looking at my messy home*
Time to Marie Kondo the shit outta this place.
*5 mins later, crying*
I can’t throw out the box for my Optimus 7. It was a Windows phone. They don’t make those anymore. *in fetal position* It sparks joy. It sparks joy. It sparks j-j-j-j-oy!
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
Strange
Opened the lint filter on my dryer after washing my dog’s bedding and another dog fell out.
Thinking about having bacon and bacon for dinner.
me: how did he die?
him: he was attacked by a gang of geese
me: gaggle?
him: no I think it was a stabbing
COVID-19: …
Alpha Variant: …
Delta Variant: …
Onomatopoeia Variant: KABLOOEY!
*STUDYING FOR JOB INTERVIEW*
•Never criticize your former employer
•Maintain eye contact
•Be positive*JOB INTERVIEW*
INTERVIEWER: Tell me about yourself.
ME: I worshiped my previous boss, *leans in close*
and we live in a world of limitless beauty.
Pineapples are grown in South America. They’re picked, washed, quality checked, sorted by size, packed, shipped then driven from the destination port to your local grocer and somehow that process seems easier than getting my laundry done.
If I insult you, I’m either flirting or genuinely don’t like you. Good luck with that.
What idiot named them twins instead of wombmates?
Lady, you misunderstood. When I asked if you would have my kids I didn’t mean sex and babies. I meant take the ones I already have.
My mind is like a sponge.
It spends most of its time in filthy places.
* flips hair, potato chip falls out *
[married convo]
Her: Hey, babe…guess what?
Him: What?
Her: *whispers* I’m not wearing any panties.
Him: You need me to do laundry?
If I saw 99 red balloons go by I’d probably just round it up to a hundred when I was telling people about it.