[break-in]
BURGLAR: [cracks safe]
COP: Not so fast, kiddo
BURGLAR: [cracks safe more slowly]
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[sideline]
QB: So extra point or conversion?
COACH: Hmm…conversion[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QB: Are you ready to accept Jesus into your life?
Whenever I’m on a flight and a bald person sits next to me, it takes a ton of willpower not to draw on their head when they are sleep.
Look, Facebook, I don’t care that someone has “added to their story” unless they’re posting from the trunk of a car.
My son called out my daughter for not knowing which teams were playing in the Super Bowl and said that she’s only showing up for the food. My daughter stared him down and said, “I honestly don’t see the problem here” and slow blinked at him.
Anyway, she’s my new life coach.
Relationship so bad you start relating to Taylor Swift songs
date: I wrote a book on lions
me: *mouthful of pasta* wouldn’t paper have been easier?
People laugh cos I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
If I could time-travel, forget killing baby Hitler. I’d go back to use every come back I ever thought of 10 minutes too late.
If you don’t like the heart I shaved into my chest hair for you…well, then I should probably keep my underwear on.
[treading water in the ocean with my pet porcupine]
Me: we’ll just have to find another life raft, Jabby
A baby stroller, but just to take my snacks with me.
Spring is finally here. Time to clean the dog shit in the yard.
6: Why are we at the vet?
Me: So our pig can’t have babies
6: How do you know she doesn’t want babies?
Me:*looks at my kids* Just a hunch
Based on the musicians who thanked him at the Grammys, I gotta say: I’m not crazy for God’s taste in music.
Sorry I overreacted when we both reached for the last piece of pecan pie. I had no idea a fork could penetrate so far into a human forearm.
Showed my mom a pic of a guy I thought was hot and she said he looked just like my dad when he was young and now Christmas is ruined
If Mona Lisa was on Instagram
{Company meeting}
Pres: Our biggest fears have come true…*I run to check on the donuts
*Stroll back in, spitting crumbs “what’s wrong?”
[office meeting]
BOSS: Printer ink is costing us a ton. Any ideas on how to cut costs?
SQUID: *looks up from phone* Why y’all lookin’ at me?
Just watched my husband flick a stink bug from the ottoman and I am not okay.
How many bugs have just been relocated and not removed?!?
An 80’s style montage of me and a dog learning to use chopsticks, and the dog progressing marginally faster
There’s no cool way to get your braces unstuck from the carpet.
[first day as a doctor]
patient: how bad is it
me: [forgetting the word for spine] you broke your bone rope
Ignorance is not bliss. It’s just a fancy word for stupid.
12: So Paul and I are going to the mall today can you drive us and probably just gonna hang and we might be meeting up with a few guys from school just like you know 12 and can you take all of us and you can take us early—
Me: Breathe
12: I am
Me: I meant me
Behind every happy woman there is an empty bottle of wine…
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. But also, 11 hours/night when I’m still alive.
I opened this great self-care app.
It’s called “the fridge.”
*falls from grace*
PARKOUR!
I’m in line behind a lady with 100 coupons so come visit me in jail, OK?