@lazerdoov: Break into your neighbor's house every night but don't take anything just put a cape on their dog
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@thenoahkinsey: *on a 1st date* Her:..and I have 3 cats Me: Swipe left H: Did you say "swipe left"?! M: H: M: *panicked whisper* swipeleftswipeleftswipeleft
@Coops_Bradley: That's a really big gun in your pants. And that's how you get out of a speeding ticket.
@roostermustache: Kid: help my cat's stuck in a tree can you save him Me: of course little girl *throws bible at cat* do you accept jesus as your lord