@lazerdoov: Break into your neighbor's house every night but don't take anything just put a cape on their dog
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@daemonic3: [walks date home] HER: Wanna come up for a nightcap? ME: I gotta work early HER: I have 2 dogs ME:[already running up stairs like Rocky]
@agathagotstoned: Barring any distractions, it only takes about three months to teach a meerkat how to throw knives.
@Chumpstring: [robber pulls gun] ME: take my money but please don't hurt me i'm an only child MY DAD: [yelling from the car] he's lying he has a brother
@SoWeirditsCool: Stalker status update: Good news-I'm not in your house. The bad news-I am UNDER your house and the tunnel is complete.