Break into your neighbor’s house every night but don’t take anything just put a cape on their dog
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“I can’t wait to see what my Happy Meal prize is! Wait…what the -”
[U2 is playing a free concert in the box]
Stole my neighbors family portrait & got it tattooed on my back. Now I’m standing in their living room facing the wall 2 see if they notice.
M: What do you want for dinner?
H: I don’t care, you decide
M: Sushi?
H: No, but whatever.
M: Mexican?
H: Nah, but your call.He’s dead now
My imaginary girlfriend rolled in at 2:30 this morning, so things are a little tense over here.
Boss: Remember to only use your new laptop for job related things
Me: [Using laptop to search for a new job]
“Please bear with me” and “please bare with me” are two very different requests
Watching a special
about climate change. Oh, wait.
This is a window.
I’ll go first…
Bad Boys. 😏
*putting 4 to bed*
Me: we’re going to have a better day tomorrow, right?
4: no
Me: I just mean there was too much crying and whining today… so let’s try less crying and whining tomorrow
4: no, I won’t do that
Me:
4:
Me: ok, good talk
4: no
China are probably making all the medals anyway.
How’s adulting going for me today u ask?
Well,I just spend 20 minutes looking for my phone in my car
While using my phone as a flashlight.
Pooh on Cold Callers:
These are very kind people who call you to ask if you’ve been injured at work. They are so thoughtful they ring several times a day just to make sure you’re all right. I keep telling them I don’t know what work is but they still keep calling me anyway…
GIRL: daddy look it’s a killer whale
WHALE: for your information I’m only a suspect at this point
the real reason howl kept his castle moving was tax evasion
My kids love playing pretend. My 9yo pretends to be a dinosaur and my 13yo pretends she doesn’t know us.
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: hi grayfish
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: u said that already
GOLDFISH: said what
me as a kidnapper sending my second ransom letter when I haven’t gotten a response yet to my first one: hi all! just following up
When I’m eating shared nachos I’m always thinking 3 nacho moves ahead of my opponent.
My sister: You’re either going to die because you sassed the wrong person or petted a dog you shouldn’t have.
Me: Either way, I’m getting bitten in the face.
What doesn’t kill you makes you come up with stupid clichés.
If I just had a baby and was sitting in a donkey stable in the middle of winter and a little boy started drumming right in my sleeping infant’s face, I would have totally lost my shit.
This painting is titled:
Would It Hurt You To Put The Dirty Bowl In The Dishwasher?
absolutely not
“Relax, honey. It’s more scared of you than you are of it.”
I’m sorry that you invited me over to your apartment for dinner and I created a negative Yelp review about the experience
Claustrophobia is the fear of closed spaces…
For example, I’m going to the liquor store and I’m scared that it may be closed…
Rented a Bowflex machine because it was the path of leased resistance.
“Do not look that up on urban dictionary,” is a nice way of saying “ready the eyeball bleach, because I know you’re gonna.”
Before I drop a bag of clothes off at Goodwill, I like to take it for a ride in the back of my car for a good five or six months.