Break into your neighbor’s house every night but don’t take anything just put a cape on their dog
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[APARTMENT KITCHEN]
GUY: *pouring cooking grease down the drain* i know i shouldn’t, but what do I care, i rent
[SUBTERRANEAN LAIR OF RAT PEOPLE]
RAT KING: *grease drops on his head* that man-thing is the first to die-die
RAT WORKERS: *about to breach the surface* yes-yes
[Being dragged out of my movie club] Oh and by the way ‘The Hills’ only has one i.
therapist: these people who think you’re “funny” *takes off his glasses* are they in the room with us right now?
There are two types of people in this world. Those who make fun of Wordle. And those who can solve a Wordle.
People say “you’ll ruin your appetite” like I have to be hungry to eat.
Me: So you’re allergic to avocados?
Her: Yup…
Me: Like a vampire?
Her: No that’s garlic.
Me: Oh, like a werewolf?
Her: No, those are silver bullets.
Me: Not avocado bullets?
Her: Don’t…
Me:
Her: Don’t do it…
Me: Fired from a…
Her: *sigh*
Me: Glockamole…
Her: I hate you
[Skype]
ME: Finally I see your face and wow.
HIM: [naked] Where are you?!
ME: Starbucks. Wanna meet a few friends? They like your tweets.
I was told my $750 iPhone would improve the quality of my phone calls, but my family keeps calling telling me the same shit.
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
Me: Why do you love me?
Wife: *shrugs*
Me: Why do you find me annoying?
Wife: *reveals six spreadsheets and a pie chart*
friend: why did you take up running?
me: *really wants to catch an ostrich* no reason
I dance like people wish they weren’t watching.
When you gaze into the abyss, the abyss also gazes into you, wraps a towel around itself and screams oh wait that’s my neighbor haha Hi Pam!
Screaming out, “YOUR HARMFUL SIDE EFFECTS DON’T SCARE ME,” in a pharmacy, gets you moved to the front of the line, apparently.
Sometimes I pick another language on the ATM to see if I can make it all the way thru.
So I’m still broke, but now also in French.
If you hate someone on your Christmas list, buy them parakeets.
Being the father of teenagers means never trusting the tops of salt shakers ever again.
SUPER-VILLAIN: Join me! Together we would be unstoppable!
HERO: Ok
SUPER-VILLAIN: What’s that now?
HERO: I’m in
SUPER-VILLAIN: Oh. I wasn’t really prepared for you to accept.
HERO: My therapist said to try new things
SUPER-VILLAIN: This is awkward
HERO: I’ll get my stuff
Peppa pig = spicy bacon
My kid just asked me to help with her art project and I said “aw, why did you choose me?” and she said “because you suck at math”
If you can’t say anything nice, say something funny.
fireman: dear god… your face
me: i wasn’t in the building
*about to rob bank
Me: you cool
Partner: as a cucumber
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually cucumbers are room temperature
Me: why is he here again
I like to mute CNN and imagine they’re arguing about what appetizer, or appetizers, to order at TGIFridays.
you would think “cyber-art heist” would be something awesome. it never is. imagine having a fortune in art stolen and when people ask what happened you have to be like “i updated my printer and within seconds a million in monkey jpegs was gone”
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, we share it, right?
Me: [Using my Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
Parenthood is mostly making sure your kids eat healthy but also occasionally giving them fast food so your liver stays healthy
Someone asked me if I’m ever scared that I’ll be alone forever, which I thought was so rude because my cat was right there.
My signature move is texting “There in 5” while I’m 80 miles away and embroiled in a Kung Fu Dance battle with an uncouth cattle farmer.
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Yes.