[break room]
coworker: what’s for lunch?
me: [eating] food, generally
cw: no, I mean what are you having?
me: an unwanted conversation
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the cool thing about having longer hair is using it to floss your teeth in a pinch
I just sent a screen shot of my drunken tweets to my friends & they are still asking if I can come pick them up
No human will ever understand humiliation like a dog who happens to run into a wolf while wearing a sweater.
I was attacked by two owls simultaneously. They were in cahoots.
Invention of the hug:
“You look sad. Let me choke your whole body”
How quickly family vacations go from omg we only have 4 days left to omg we still have 4 days left
GUY: Sorry you two broke up. What happened?
ME: Well, like most things, it can be traced to the assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand…
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
tried to smoke some salmon but had a really hard time rolling it and i couldn’t really get it to light
Beware of girls like Princess Peach. She seems cool at first but she ends up in some other dude’s castle far too often to be a coincidence.
The Phantom of the Opera paints a false picture that chicks dig dudes that play a mean pipe organ
I can’t. I’m busy tonight. I have to do laundry and block everyone who takes their engagement photos in a barn.
A lot of people say “we need to” when they mean “you need to”. We need to stop that.
*group chat*
Fellas, I think it’s time. I think I’m finally ready to be a dad.
[Tamagotchi has requested to join the chat]
Me: pew pew…pew pew pew
Guy at next urinal: Please stop
I like my sentences like I like my women: awkward but with good colon usage and regular periods.
Raise your hand if you’d like to go back to more simple times when clowns were in the woods scaring us.
Dentist: “When was the last time you flossed?”
Me: “BRO, you were there.”
Coworker: did you have a good weekend?
Me: obviously not since I came back to work.
[interview at a clothing store]
be cool, don’t let them know you’re a dog
“so what color is this dress?”
oh you gotta be kidding me
Sorry I dressed up your babies for a cowboys and Indians reenactment.
It was super cute until the smallpox incident.
Internet Explorer: so about last night
Me: Oh, i used you for flash.
IE: Are we back together, am i your default?
Me: don’t make this weird
Somewhere there’s a bat that witnessed their parents murder who now dresses like a human.
A lady was spanking her kid for being a total brat in the grocery store so I had to step in and ask her if she needed me to hold her purse.
I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
I have just one word for beautiful women with questionable morals, poor decision making skills and an insatiable sex drive,
“Hi”.
just found out the danish word for jellyfish is literally water man and am cracking up at the idea that while other languages were naming them after medusa or whatever some danish dude was like “nah that’s a water guy”
Someone hired a sloth with a knife to murder me, he’s in my driveway, so I have 6-8 months to live
#oldknees
Her: I just feel so alone
Him: Jesus loves you
Jesus: [awkwardly] Duuude shut up