Break the ice when sending business emails by being the first to use a poop emoji
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Wife: what’d you do after work?
Me: I may have taken a nap
Wife: you may have or you did?
Me: I may have did
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
I didn’t know imposter syndrome was contagious, but my boss also thinks I’m terrible at my job.
My neighbor was yelling at her kids so I joined in by repeating everything she said.
Waiter: Do you guys need any sauce?
Her: Yes, please. Bbq.
Me: I’ll take apple.
My cat’s birthday is tomorrow and my mean boss said I still have to come to work this week.
About to go for a run, because shoplifting
My text: Have a good day at school!
My son’s text: Thanks. I forgot to have you sign something. Can you show me how your signature looks.
I have a hard time believing the inventor of Rock, Paper, Scissors was like “OMG this is so much fun!”
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35
I was looking up Licking County Animals (in Ohio) because they have a litter of hound puppies I wanted to share but let’s just say puppies weren’t in the results.
You sneeze, and a tiny book titled “A spiders guide to navigating the human brain” shoots out your nose. You faintly hear a spider cussing.
I’ve become totally immune to clickbait and YOU WON’T BELIEVE HOW I DID IT.
Here are the locations of the missing items in your home:
The TV remote is in the bathroom
The kitchen scissors are under your kid’s bed
Your keys are behind the toaster
And your chapstick is gone forever – give up on that one
At my age I don’t need a Halloween costume to be scary, I just show up.
I own a gun so if a robber breaks into my home and steals my stuff I can shoot all my stuff and break it so the robber can’t enjoy any of it
As an economist, I know the best system is where precisely 12 people have all the money and let it sit idle in offshore accounts
I just kissed the cat and now she has peanut butter on her head.
When this is over, I’m just going to start hugging nurses and doctors until they get a restraining order.
Me: Scientists have discovered a nearly 900,000,000 year-old fossil.
Child: Was it the skeleton of your childhood pet?
Me: Things like this are why no one likes children.
so mom just interrupted my Zoom standup set to ask me to carry her martini to her bedroom because it was too heavy.
cop: thanks for saving us but why is your underwear on wrong
superman: lmao they’re not on wrong
cop:
superman: wait is this wrong
Inventor: …And so these closed captions will help a lot of people.
Investor: I can see what you’re saying.
8-year-old: I’m glad it’s the weekend.
Me: You were only at school for two days.
8: You weren’t there.
Other parents might understand this fear, I woke up to a text from my daughter that she sent at 12:32am
Daughter-you awake?
Me: (5 hours later) I just saw this, omg are you ok?
Daughter: oh yea I’m ok, I just wanted to know your potato salad recipe.
Employee: Sir you’ve been in that changing room for half an hour, what are you doing?
Me: *Crying* WAITING FOR IT TO WORK
Take a look at trending topics and you’ll realize why they have to write “do not eat” on dry silica packets.
My dad did not let me watch Dexter’s Labratory because he said it was unrealistic. “A lab that size would absolutely devastate the foundation of the house” he would say.
Ran in the store to get something healthy for breakfast
I got to tell you that this peanut butter, chocolate iced donut is delicious
Me: I was going to but decided I have a headache.
Friend: How do you just “decide” to have a headache?
Me: uh oh now I have a hearing problem.