Break up by making swimming motion arms every time they want to hold hands.
You Might Also Like
After cleaning out the pantry, I realized my kid only likes the idea of cereal.
How high are you when you try to change lanes during your spin class?
I didn’t have google maps growing up. The way you knew you were going the wrong way was by driving into a different state.
The Internet is good for two things
1) People without clothes
2) Animals with clothes
I’m voting for whoever my cat thinks I should and my vote counts just as much as yours
guys, i almost wrote an inspirational tweet what is happening
Teens think they have an all-purpose insult for uncool people over 30 with “OK boomer”, but little do they know uncool people over 30 are about to deploy our most devastating weapon against it: ruthlessly appropriating it until it’s cringingly uncool to say it in any circumstance
I told 14 to put the towels from the washer to the dryer 4 hours ago. I asked an hour ago if he did and he said yes.
He never turned the dryer on. I guess that shit’s on me for not specifying.
this is me not knowing my powerpoint presentation was not showing up on the screen but my wallpaper instead
wife: you can’t wear those to a funeral.
me: you’re right…*takes off hulk hands*
wife: that’s better.
me: *puts on formal hulk hands*
My kid’s school asked them to get a family relic for school “show and tell”. He asked what’s a relic and they said ancient things. So he asked me to give him anything I had from my childhood.
[reading death threat]
*shrugs* Anyone with spelling this bad would definitely botch a murder.
I’m not a womanizer! They were all women when I found them!
If you’re ever intimidated by someone just imagine them opening a capri sun
Me, getting murdered: Those had better not be my fabric scissors, buddy.
[Australia]
Husband: If you need me I’ll be out back.
Wife: Yeah that’s not very specific.
Boss made me put a nametag over my left bosom. I leaned over and said, “Now, what shall we name the other one?”
If IKEA and LEGO combined forces our children could make our furniture.
Apparently “this house is a prison” wasn’t the right thing to say when my husband made me get out of bed this morning.
me: wanna do something fun?
her: already have plans
me: *watching her wax her legs and pluck her eyebrows* our idea of fun is very different
Me: I like to tweet the same way I dance
Friend: like a big dork?
Me: well I meant like nobody’s watching, but that works too I guess
I have no passwords left in me
Whenever I read the word “female” on twitter, in my head I pronounce it like “tamale”.
Is it really based on a true story when actors are hotter than the characters they play?
My son almost missed his plane because he thought his seat number was the gate number.
The same kid they said was *gifted* when he was four.
The best thing about alcohol hand gel in hospitals isn’t the hygiene, but that everyone walks around like they’re hatching a dastardly plan.
My toddler won’t go to sleep so I gave her a big kiss and told her that I love her very much but a little less after 9pm. She thought this was hilarious and is currently in her room cracking up, while I’m sitting here wondering how much her therapy bills are gonna be
PRIEST: 1st the groom’s vows.
ME: *Unfolds notes* I’m only doing this for the cake.
PRIEST: That’s not really-
HER: That’s what I wrote too.
If the Powerball has taught me anything, it’s how to turn $200 into $4.
My dad wrote me an unusually sweet and detailed text about how proud he is of me and my accomplishments and it’s so nice to see that even at his age he’s learned how to use ChatGPT