[breakfast table]
Me: Who killed the entire box of Lucky Charms?
8: Not me
9: Not me
CEREAL KILLER: Not me either
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Oh predictive text, how you tournament me.
My friend and I got the number off the pay phone outside the 7-11 you could see from her house and when people would walk by we’d call the phone and whoever had the longest conversation had to buy the other a Slurpee. Let’s just say I got a lot of free Slurpees that summer.
pelicons
Once married the woman takes over the entire closet and the man stores everything he owns in his left cargo pocket
we’ve all been home together for a solid week now and my 6-year-old has expressed daily outrage about how the wh- in “whole” is different than in “when” and “why” and now i’m mad about it too
Whenever a character in a book praises the cleverness of another character’s idea, it’s really just the author praising their own idea.
i physically cannot make a spotify playlist without adding every song i’ve ever liked. i’ll start one called “sad :(” and it’ll end up with temperature by sean paul on it
My daughter is too old for Disney channel movies so I obviously need another kid.
Comedian: My teardrop tattoos are to indicate how many times I’ve killed on stage.
Guy: I don’t see any teardrop tattoos.
Maybe all the vampires are always so angry and biting people because they can never eat any lasagne or spaghetti or anything that has garlic in it. Did you ever think about that? No you always think about yourself!
Me: Ugh, these edibles are crap. I don’t feel a thing.
Cockroach sitting next to me on the sofa: Tell me about it, sister.
Anxious person at a party: Oh! This is a lovely front door! Let me see what it looks like from the outside.
I’m in a bad mood right now so I’m hoping to hear some good news about something bad happening to someone I hate.
if you eat your burrito over a tortilla, anything that falls out will simply start building your next burrito
These doctor forms keep asking how often I fall down…
…it’s like they’ve been tailing me.
[First Date]
Me: I can’t believe we’re on a date! It’s not cause my fathers rich is it?
Him: No. He’s very handsome too
Me: CHECK PLEASE
Chicks like it when you let out a loud “AWOOGA” when you see her naked
If I could time-travel, forget killing baby Hitler. I’d go back to use every come back I ever thought of 10 minutes too late.
I hand-wrote a letter today and now I have the measles and a wood-stove.
When the company finally leaves and you can let one rip..
that.
JUDGE: You’re going to a maximum-security prison.
ME: Good, that makes me feel safe.
I got really excited when she talked about a motorboat date, but as it turns out, she just wanted to take a ride on the lake. *sigh*
Moses: 🎶gimme one margarita imma open the sea, gimme two margaritas imma set my people free🎶
His people: ugh ya can you get off TikTok? We’re literally being chased
the other one is “smunchy” which is we stopped making the smooth peanut butter early. i’m close to becoming a smooth peanut butter guy just so i can eat a finished product
Hit my coworker with “you’re a lucky man” after I saw a picture of his wife just to let him know that I want to sleep with her
“I just ate a vegetarian meal” sounds so much healthier than “I just ate two full sleeves of Oreos.”
when my therapist asks how i’ve been the last two weeks
Newspapers are cool because you can cut out eye holes and spy on people. Try that with an iPad.
Arby’s is good, no bird problem, very few bird in restaurant, Arby’s, “where there are not very many birds” that’s our new slogan
We need to bring back house parties in a big way. There is something so special about talking to a guy on a couch