People be like “You knew what you were signing up for when you had kids” as if we had any idea we’d have to homeschool them through a global pandemic
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My dog: I need to go out
Me: it’s raining
Dog: out NOW
M: Okay but it’s raining
Dog: *walks outside* oh shit, it’s raining
[Yelp review for Mario Bros Plumbing]
Ate my mushrooms, killed ALL my turtles, stole my coin collection. 1 star.
-Bowser K.
Student begins reading poem, teacher interrupts “No this is Creative WRITHING class” Other student squirms around on floor “Very good Todd”
Dear autocorrect,
I’ve never had a “hard duck” in my life.
Quit your shit.
DM:You’re so hot, wanna Skype?
Me: it is quite hot, and a skype sounds delicious. Is that vodka?
DM:
ME:hello…you there
You know you’ve got a drinking problem when you’re looking at the unleaded nozzle being labeled as 15% ethanol and you’re like “same, brother”
[out to eat with in-laws]
Me: Waiter, your cheapest bottle of champagne
Wife: Hey these are my parents
Me: Waiter, 4 glasses of tap water
I’m just a girl
standing in front of a pizza
asking it to not have carbs.
I’m renovating and I can’t decide if I should start with the plumbing in the kitchen or the pool.
It’s either sink or swim.
#PlumbingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Gravestone: If you’re reading this I am dead.
[god inventing humans]
angel: what does it do
god: creates, loves, invents…
angel: awesome
god: storms area 51 in the style of an anime character
angel: wtf
god: it also makes quiche
My original account got suspended for aggressive behavior and they haven’t even seen me in bed yet.
Picture the perfect woman.
Wrong.
You’re a guy. You’re always wrong.
me: could you put this ring at the bottom of my date’s champagne glass
waiter: [refusing to take the funyun] no
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
I don’t know much about fashion. I assume a leotard is an idiot born between July 23 & August 22.
I’m offering a $1,000 reward to anyone who brings me $1,000 and two tacos.
*puts almost empty milk carton back in fridge*
[wife texts me from France]
“Really?”
My kids told me I have rizz and I feel flattered. Or insulted? Or confused. Definitely confused.
Boys will tell you “wow you sound like an Angel” and you’ll be blushing like werey. Instead of asking him when he don hear Angel voice before
I quit my job at Starbucks because of all the name-calling.
In the bathroom:
Me: *Meticulously manscapes*
Plumber: “Please don’t do that while I am in here.”
her: let’s try roleplaying
me: can I be a hypochondriac?
her: you got it
me: *suddenly nervous* got what
(wine tasting)
WOW THIS ONE TASTES LIKE WINE TOO. I’M LIKE 5 FOR 5 NOW. KEEP ‘EM COMIN’!
Babysitting is a way for teenagers to feel like adults while adults go out to feel like teenagers.
Her: Kids! The moving van is here. Bring the boxes
Me: All vans are moving vans LOL
Her: And this is why we’re leaving
°at Nike advertising meeting°
I need a slogan for these shoes by the end of the day. I don’t care how it gets done just do it..hold up a sec
Some of y’all expect more from a retail employee than of your elected officials
Husband: You have a chip on your shoulder.
Me: You know that’s untrue because I would have already eaten it.
I ordered one of those Tempura mattresses. Way too crunchy.