Life can change in an instant. Hug the people you love, and appreciate what you have, before it’s gone.
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I love crunchy peanut butter because one day someone just did a half @$$ed job and convinced people it was on purpose
Pessimist: it’s half empty
Optimist: it’s half full
Me, taking huge sip: is there half a sandwich too?
[5 min into first date]
Her: I have a pug named Piglet-
Me: [motioning waiter for check] I’d like to go meet him rn
I’m scared to open any email with a photo attachment because of all this talk about photobombing.
I cried because my Wi-Fi was slow until I saw a guy stuck talking with his kids because he had no internet at all.
8:00 AM: Too tired to think
Noon: Too tired to think
5:00 PM: Too tired to think
Midnight: How do dragons blow out candles??
They didn’t ghost you. Their spouse found out.
*sticks a pencil in your ear and manually rewinds you back before you opened your mouth*
Ok, but have you ever been stuck in a sports bra, and the only person around to help you was your teenage son, so you just lived as a sweaty pretzel for an entire day?
[uses 225 gallons of water to clean out peanut butter jar for recycling]
‘Always the bridesmaid, never the bride’ is good advice for any best man.
I think tonight while my wife is asleep I’m going to pull on the satin ribbon she’s worn around her neck ever since the day I met her. What’s the worst that could happen. One lil tug
[debate]
ME: i think you’ll find that the point is moat
OPPONENT: i believe you mean the point is moot
ME: [raising my drawbridge] i do not
If someone ever intimidates you, remember that they’re 70% water. Are you scared of water? Well you should be. 400,000 people drown per year
[on a date]
Her: I like a guy who’s chill and not jealous
Me: What’s his name?
Spanish: The h is silent
English: Many letters can be silent
French: All letters are meaningless, every living thing is born without reason
[during sex]
ME: I’m Italian, how about you?
HER: Finnish
ME: Ok sure just give me a second
Possum: They say all your spouses passed away under mysterious circumst– wait are those coon skin hats?
Raccoon: Those are just old wives tails
Me: I’ll start work early so I can stop working earlier
Also me: *just works twice as many hours cuz I started earlier
When people write to tell me I’m not good at comedy, I reply “Well you’re not good at fan mail” then we all laugh &they are proved wrong.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who stepped on the Legos you promised you’d pick up
*Cleans glasses*
“Omg I have a cat?”
One of the fake rooms at Ikea should just be a couple fighting as they try to put the furniture together
If I was Steve Jobs I would engrave on my tombstone:
iDied.
Like sure, yes. Encouraging independent play is good for a kid’s development but like…these people sound like they just want to leave their babies in the wilderness for the wolves to raise
My Mormon neighbor said it was rude I assumed her husband’s surprise birthday party invitation was also an invitation to be her sister wife.
I was just published in Science Fiction Bin Monthly, the only sci-fi magazine that’s printed and then immediately thrown in a dumpster. You can read my story in this month’s issue, but you’ll have to fight a raccoon for it.
Protip: When an office says it’s paperless, it usually does not include the restrooms.
I’m Lactose Intolerant, which means I rarely find missing children.
Empathic Friend: Oh honey, you’ve got a lot on your plate
Me: I got the buffet 🤭