Breaking: According to a study just released by the Vatican, 4 out of 5 nuns find sewing to be habit forming.
I’m not even sorry…
You Might Also Like
If you want to drive someone slowly insane, say frank you to them in a parrot voice one million times.
Saying “unwanted houseguests” is redundant. I just call them houseguests.
Monsters can’t hide under my bed. That’s where my cats have their fight club.
what scared me at age 8:
-quicksand
-snakes
-boat scene from willy wonkawhat scares me now:
-dying alone
-boat scene from willy wonka
humans: wat did we ever do to deserve dogs
dogs: wat horible sins were done to our ancestors for us to be subservient to the humabns
My kid took out the trash without being asked so imagine my surprise moments later when he asked if he could spend $10 bucks on a video game.
welcome to my podcast What Are Birds Thinking About where we speculate wildly about what birds might be thinking about today’s guest is once again not a bird
Ninety percent of the body’s serotonin is made in the gut so this beer belly is more like my emotional support dog.
thanks for the crochet armor, mom, I’m sure it will work just fine
Me: The best thing about the day after a birthday is having cake for breakfast.
Kids: YAY! CAKE FOR BREAKFAST!
Me: I didn’t mean for you.
Spent two weeks with my grandmother and now I know why grandpa was a drunk
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Alexa: I’ve found one zoo near you with monkeys.
[on a deserted island, receives message in a bottle]
“We’ve been trying to reach you regarding your car’s expired warranty”
Scream sneezers need love too.
noah: two of every single species on earth
god: yes
noah: and a boat to fit them all
god: yes
noah: and people will ridicule me the whole time
god: yes
noah: and all my friends are going to die
god: yes
noah: but like the world will be good after that right
god: i mean
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news. The bad news is we can’t reattach your arms.
ME: Oh no. What’s the good news?
DOCTOR: You’ve reached your goal weight.
ME: *I try to fist pump but nothing happens*
I’m not the best driver in the world; however, I am not the one who hit Jupiter
You’ll be OK
Saw a deer standing beside the highway this morning watching the traffic go by.Guess he was trying to figure out who’s day he wanted to ruin
I have never been eaten by a tiger. If you want advice on how not to be eaten by a tiger, just ask.
Please note: advice may not work if you are near a tiger.
Toy stores should spread the toys out on the floor so you can see them in their natural state and practice stepping on them.
Watching fireworks is like listening to a kid’s story: you have to pretend to be enthralled every time, but in reality you lost interest after the first 3 minutes.
I saw a tweet that said they wanted their first child to be a mail and all I did was respond, ‘Keep us posted’ and got blocked
angel: whatcha making?
god: *buffing a shark* dolphin
If you feed your kitten Muscle Milk it will become a tiger in as little as 90 days or you get your money back.
I don’t go out very much because I’m broke, but oh boy, once I’m rich, I’m gonna have to come up with another excuse.
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*~ me, at trampoline place embarrassing my kids
You can let me hold your baby I won’t drop it. If you think I’m the kind of person who would drop a baby you’re flat wrong. And if you’re the sort of person who believes unsubstantiated rumors about me dropping babies, well I just feel sorry for you.
My friend got a tattoo of his wife’s name so I guess he loves her as much as he loves barbed wire.
Those who still fit in their wedding dresses years later haven’t been making enough effort eating.