Breaking: According to a study just released by the Vatican, 4 out of 5 nuns find sewing to be habit forming.
I’m not even sorry…
You Might Also Like
For all the people who doubted me:
You were right
My nephew found a cassette tape in my house. It was like watching early man discover fire.
“How can I waste ten seconds of someone’s time and make total strangers hate me?”
– Credit card chip inventor
– Me, writing tweets
Guy who treats establishing shots like people on here treat sex scenes. Rolls his eyes any time we see a building’s exterior. “The characters are inside. Why do we need to see what the house looks like from the street.” Loudly groans whenever someone pulls up somewhere in a car
I’m pretty certain the inventor of the ball gag was someone who had just had sex with a loud talker
911: What’s your emer-
She said don’t get her anything for Valentine’s Day!
911: And you didn’t?
No!
911: Placing you in protective custody.
WHAT I SAY: that’s one way of looking at it
WHAT I MEAN: in the history of stupid things said by stupid people, what just came out of your mouth is, by far, the stupidest. If there were stupidity trophies, yours would be gold plated and set atop a plinth reading STUPID.
stop whining about losing your ‘hot years’ to covid. some of us lost our hot years to not being hot
Everybody gangsta til they have diarrhea and a broken zipper
If you’ve committed to pulling a door handle that says push in front of people you have to rip the handle off. You can’t let a door own you.
its been 20 yrs since Celine Dion released “I’m In Love With A Boat”, from the movie “Big Stupid Boat”
Diet Coke: Making people feel better about ordering two Big Macs and a large fry since 1982.
White people dance like they have an invisible hula hoop around their waist.
Gym membership: $1180 a year
Trainer: $45 a session
Workout clothes: $400
Nutritionist: $150 per consultation
Healthy food: $450 a monthFunhouse mirror that makes me look skinny: $29.99
Instead of a flask I keep a small kitten in my jacket pocket that I pull out for a quick pet whenever I need a pick-me-up.
When my kid has a friend over and he starts talking to me, I’m like, “No. This is the opposite of why I let you come here.”
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
COP: Where were you the night of murder?
Yeah I do yoga.
Ninja Yoga.
I’m so good at it, you won’t even see me there.
[Michael Cera knocked backwards by ejecting toast]
something america actually gets right is our commitment to air conditioning and ice cubes in drinks. like yeah healthcare would be nice but my god, room temperature water is an abomination
“Get at least 8 hours of beauty sleep. 9 if you’re ugly.” – Betty White
Don’t snitch tag.
wife: our house is on fire! who you gonna call?!
[later]
ghostbusters (standing in ashes): you really should’ve called the fire department
Comedy booker: how much time can you do?
Me: I have an hour
Comedy booker: there might be children there
Me: I have 7 seconds
“Church of England Formally Approves Female Bishops”. Congratulations British women! You can now move diagonally!
I’m sorry I laughed when you said my cannibal joke was in poor taste.
Me: I slept through the second half of that movie
Kids: And the first half
Me: Yes
I don’t like calling zombies “the undead”. I think they’d prefer to be known as the nearly departed.