Breaking Bad is my favorite documentary about what it takes to be an entrepreneur while balancing family life.
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It looks like bathroom tai chi but it’s me trying to trigger the automatic paper towel dispenser.
I was 14 on tumblr stressed af about net neutrality, I ain’t even know what the shit meant
Her: I chose you for your brains
Me: aww
Her: in case I ever become a zombie
*4-yr old niece tells me about trip to Empire State Building
Her: It’s so tall, I almost touched the moon!
Me: Oh you are so full of shit!
You can’t scare me, I grew up on ‘80s horror movies and still took a job as a camp counselor on a lake.
Could’ve posed any goddamn way he wanted. Chose this.
I ducked into a crowd of guys bro hugging as they left the bar, they didn’t notice the stranger in their midst and I’m feeling so loved rn.
Put those painful memories somewhere the mind can’t see them.
Alcohol: *ears perk up*
Damn. Just made a joke about hieroglyphics, but I probably should have read the room first.
Remember when the biggest problem we faced was Gangnam Style
Went to the doctor the other day, he told me I had to stop lap-dancing. I asked him why and he said, “Because I’m trying to examine you.”
I can still remember the words my father said to me on my wedding night “let’s hope this ones not a whore like the last one!”
[first date]
Date: well I had a great time tonight.
Me: me too.
Date: give me a ring sometime.
Me: [pulls out engagement ring I brought just in case we clicked] this was my grandmothers-
*scrolls through Facebook on Mother’s Day*
me: EVERY SINGLE MOTHER CANNOT BE THE BEST MOTHER EVER. THAT’S NOT STATISTICALLY POSSIBLE. BESIDES, MY MOM IS.
Me, seductively: I can tie the stem in a knot using my tongue 😉
Pumpkin patch owner: Get out
Did you know that actors in black & white movies often put their lives in danger during driving scenes, as they weren’t able to tell if the traffic light was green or red.
I’m in such a great mood today
Anxiety: I’ll be with you in a minute
Staring out into the horizon..
Me: this is so peaceful, tranquil & romantic
[Bf holding up a stuffed lion]
Bf:Ah zabenya za dabib du da
I don’t want flying cars, I want the ability to start again from my last save point
Get your faces tattooed on each other, so if the wife ever says ‘you’re a joke’ you can say ‘the joke’s on you’ and disarm the situation.
NYC parks department on naked Trump statue: “NYC Parks stands firmly against any unpermitted erection in city parks, no matter how small.”
My goal was to lose 10 pounds this year…
~Only 15 more to go!!
#WhenIMisspelled ya know.
[first date]
I’m sorry, I fiddle when I get nervous
“That’s okay”
Yeah….
*jams out epic fiddle solo for the rest of the date*
I found an old set of stationary I ordered when I was 10 … will be using it for all future business correspondence
Being a parent is hard work, but it’ll all be worth it when I need donors for a new liver.
doctor: can you describe the pain?
me: i have a knife sticking into me
doctor: so is it a dull or sharp pain
me: sharp
doctor: like a knife?
me: yes, exactly that
doctor: *proudly* its my first day
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s Superman!”
“Nope.”
“A spider? An aardvark?”
“Wrong. It’s a horse.”
“Wow. You can’t draw for shit.”
Like watching a full length movie – but in just 27-seconds…