Breaking Bad is my favorite documentary about what it takes to be an entrepreneur while balancing family life.
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My neighbor cut their tree down and now my house looks bald.
smoking a cigarette reduces your life by 11min unless you smoke it real fast then it only takes like 3 or 4
They should punish kids who do well in school with more homework to prepare them for what happens to people who are efficient at their jobs.
I don’t care where I am, if I see a car that looks like a friend’s car I’m going to assume they’re in it. Like I could be in North Korea and if I saw a white Toyota Camry I’d be like oh shit is that my boy Greg?
[planning heist]
Me: then we access the vault
Guy: I don’t think they have a vault
Me [mocking]: yeah I bet they jus leave the Mcflurrys out
Just got nominated for an Oscar for my role as “man surprised his credit card was declined”
You say “I ate so much that I’m too full to drink now” I say “poor planning”…
Look, we’ve all dreamed of seeing a car caught on a rising bollard. Don’t pretend you haven’t.
“How would you describe yourself.”
Me – I absolutely would not.
Can someone call my keys? I forgot where I put them
Last time I was at the zoo, I got tazed for telling some kids that mountain gorillas were called gorhillas.
Good times.
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the crap is placed.
Just heard a dad threaten to spank his screaming son “in front of the world.” Stand your ground, kid. There’s no way he has that technology.
So, on July 4th, one of the hottest days of the year, we’re all going to sit outside of our air-conditioned homes and cook over a fire?
Modest Mouse: Float On
Arrogant Mouse: Gloat On
Friend dropping me off at the airport: ok fly safe
Me who is not piloting the plane: ok I will
I just spilled a bag of popcorn kernels…but, I’m sure you guys heard my wife yelling & already knew that.
This could have been an email.
— me, while attending a wedding ceremony
FINANCIAL TIP: Invest in any store where you see my wife buying shoes.
[Trying to impress a cute girl with glasses]
HER: So what kind of car do you drive?
ME: A bookmobile.
Stallone: I’m making a movie about composers. I’m playing Beethoven.
Van Damme: I’ll be Mozart.
Schwarzenegger: Stop it guys, I’m not saying it.
I bought my friend a fridge for their birthday. You should’ve seen their face light up when they opened it.
Relieved to finally get a new microchipped debit card that provides added security to protect the $13.68 in my checking account.
I used to have a desk with great selfie lighting and then I changed jobs for personal fulfilment.
I wouldn’t recommend it.
Ladies, if a man’s nice to you, it doesn’t mean he wants to sleep with you. It simply means he wants to marry you and raise ponies with you.
teacher: what would you like to do when you grow up?
Edgar: *shrugs*
teacher: Poe, try
I want to apologize to D.C. Comics for saying that the Lex Luther becoming president story arc could never happen in real life.
How about if you write in an opposite journal?
Write what you DIDN’T do.
Day 1: definitely didn’t kill anyone today
Okay, I can see the head, keep pushing!
Some creepy guy with a mustache is running on the treadmill next to me at the gym…never mind, it’s a mirror.