BREAKING: California becomes first state to ban plastic bags.
People who love picking up dog shit with their bare hands rejoice.
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I texted 8 on his iPad and asked him to call me and he said “I don’t have app for that” and I said USE A PHONE and he said “oh” and this is who’s supposed to take care me me when I’m old.
Yeah, but I thought the whole point of twitter was to be stalked.
The word ‘follower’ should be evidence of that
Me driving through Toronto
I’m not saying I was fired from Spirit Halloween for stealing, I’m just saying I have skeletons in my closet
One man’s trash is another man’s problem because the wind just blew my garbage into the neighbor’s yard.
Looks like the mayor is getting serious.
It’s awkward standing in line at the store and the 5 year old behind me is wearing the same light up sketchers
dentist: have you been flossing
me: have you?
dentist: [to assistant] can he do that
These doctor forms keep asking how often I fall down…
…it’s like they’ve been tailing me.
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, check and see if she has a collar.”
[job interview]
willy wonka: what experience do you have hiding bodies
oompa loompa: i’m sorry i was told this was for a factory position
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
ME: we need to talk
BOYFRIEND: I agree. I was thinking—
ME: the fact that Rudolph’s nose was shiny says nothing about its actual luminosity & if it DID glow, red is the least bright light that human eyes see which is why it’s used in observatories. It wouldn’t help Santa at all
My 5YO lost her first tooth and is very certain that the tooth fairy will give it to an old lady who really needs it
Halloween. A kid comes to the door with a sign”I love ceilings”
What are you?
A Ceiling Fan.
Gave him all the candy.
Three ways to tell if you’re dating an Octopus:
1. They give awesome hugs
2. They have no skeleton
3. Every date is at the aquarium
Finally got the mustache thick enough where other mustache guys are giving me the mustache-comradery nod. Absolutely crushed it at Home Depot today. Neck sore from nodding.
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh, guess who’s awoken the tickle monster?
Facebook: You have more friends on Facebook than you think. Me: You have higher expectations than you think.
Friend: Sorry I’ve been so busy! I got my master’s in genetic engineering, singlehandedly solved a murder, invented time travel, discovered a new Pi number, climbed Mt. Everest and taught myself to read Sumerian. What have you been up to???
Me: I’ve been super into cereal lately
Why does it jump from 2% milk all the way to whole milk?
Maybe I just want 47% milk…
Time Traveler: “What year is it?”
Me: “2020”
Time Traveler: “oh. Its the first year of quarantine”
Me
Me: Ok, these are the specs. Do you think you can do it?
Architect: These look like renovation plans for a Barbie Dream House.
Me: And?
I ain’t cray-cray, I’m inappro-pro.
*sneaks into neighbor’s garage & stuffs confetti into the nozzle of his leaf blower*
Me: How do I beat the bully?
Dad: Just punch him
Me: I am not doing that
Dad: Or grow up, work hard, and be more successful and popular than him
Me: So like an uppercut?
I wear my heart on my sleeve, my kidney on my pants, help I don’t think this surgeon is licensed
Mama I made it :,) RT @funTweeters: #WayneL_Jr Your tweet was published Welcome to the family 🙂
I’m always tonguing my cyanide tooth in case someone wants to tell me about their journey.
I found my first grey pubic hair today. Normally these things don’t bother me but it was in my Big Mac.