BREAKING: California becomes first state to ban plastic bags.
People who love picking up dog shit with their bare hands rejoice.
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If they’re right about the Mayan calendar and the world ends next week, I’m cool with that because the people whom I love know I love them.
Also, it means I don’t have to fix up this freaking house any more
boss: what are you doing this weekend?
me: more like who 😉
boss: *sigh* who are you doing this weekend?
me: no one 🙁
Writing tip: Read all your writing aloud to yourself, having first made a pentagram on the floor in salt. A demon should form in the pentagram. Give him your manuscript and tell him the name of your preferred publisher.
Anytime I see a teacher sitting backwards in a chair, I’m like, “Oh damn. This guy is about to test the boundaries of traditional education”
[Jesus Feeding of the 4,999)
ME: *gets back in line wearing fake mustache*
I won against my toddler in Candy Land today and she for real put my player back at the start and said “you go here now.” Then she continued to play and then told me she won.
I don’t know what I just witnessed, but this guy was swirling his glass of wine so fast, like a washing machine on it’s final spin, that I asked if he could do my laundry.
MOVIE IDEA: Jurassic Park, but the fences all work and everyone just has a really lovely time.
goes back in time to kill alexander hamilton so my wife will stop singing those god damn songs but when I return to the future I find that they just kinda worked my time machine into the musical
This why you should mind your business
Me: Where are the kids?
Wife: Mom’s
Me: *getting excited* Really?! Are you thinking what I’m thinking?
W: Almost certainly not
The Water Board sent me a notice saying that my bill was a year old,
I obviously apologised for forgetting, and sent them a birthday card.
Somebody’s car alarm is going off outside my house. Not surprisingly really because I live in the bad part of 1992.
My doctor told me to avoid unnecessary stress, so I stopped going to doctors.
CHILD: goodnight earth, goodnight stars, goodnight orb
MOM: no it’s goodnight moon, honey
ORB: t h i s c h i l d w i l l b e s p a r e d
jigsaw: WHEN YOU MADE AN L FOR LOSER THAT WAS THE L I WAS TALKING ABOUT
me: i did an L so you could see it, which means that was my right hand. genius
jigsaw: YOU KNEW YOUR RIGHT HAND FROM YOUR LEFT ALL ALONG
me: i know my hands, not my feet
Tonight, people who are weaker, slower, and dumber than you will deliver bags of treats to your very doorstep. Seize this moment.
I wish I could literally LMAO..That sounds like a lot more fun than 90 minutes at the gym.
Why is Christopher Nolan a genius? Because even if his movie flops it won’t come up when you search “Oppenheimer bomb”.
I don’t understand how anyone could be a grave robber. How do you steal a six foot hole?
British people be like “gotta bring the car to the mechanic for a chune-up”
Mall Cop: The guy from Jersey Shore stole a spray tan kit. He’s running up the escalator.
[static]
MC: THE SITUATION IS ESCALATING RAPIDLY
get you someone who looks at you the way this cheetah is looking at this antelope and OH SHIT never mind
Am I relying on you to cover up all these blood stains after murdering my ex?
BLEACH I MIGHT BE
Wife: is that our guinea pig?
Me: yes and I’ve named her gwyn
Wife: why
Me: *whispers* gwyny pig
Googling “Can computer problems be caused by too many boogers in the keyboard?”
Looks at today’s news…. hears Benny Hill theme.
I’m not religious but I know there’s a hell because Monopoly exists
If a man put his empty deodorant under his wife’s pillow in the morning a new stick will appear on the bathroom counter.
Just went for a piss while still wearing my microphone and the whole conference heard me call the urinal a “thirsty boy”