BREAKING: Cat inherits $300,000 from former owner.
The cat has requested the money in cash so he can push it off a table.
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The rats outside my apartment building are getting very bold. One of them just asked me for my number.
How many boxes of Thin Mints do I need to eat before I start seeing results?
[at a dance]
HER: why don’t you take the lead
ME [eating fifth pencil]: way ahead of ya
Me: *needs to renew my vehicle registration*
DMV: Yes, we will need your license, registration, proof of insurance, passport, paper straw wrapper, VHS copy of The Sixth Sense, Princess Dianna Beanie Baby and for you to hit the high note in “I Will Always Love You.”
Introducing – Paragraphica! 📡📷
A camera that takes photos using location data. It describes the place you are at and then converts it into an AI-generated “photo”.See more here:
or try to take your own photo here:
I followed the link to your résumé but it brought me to some website called FunnyTweeter..? Anyway Im laughin my butt off, youre hired dude
“Are you mad at me?”
No. Why? Should I be?? Did you do something??? WHAT DID YOU DO????
[zoo]
ME: Haha…this one’s face!
WIFE: Tha-
M [bangs on glass]
W: Stop it
M [pulls funny face]
W [elbows me aside] So sorry, 2 tickets pls
Her [on phone]: I have to tell you something. Are you sitting down?
Me: Actually I’m lying in bed. Naked.
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: This isn’t that kind of call, is it?
*finds another dead plant on patio*
[shaking fist to sky] I can’t be the only one watering things around here!
Save on air conditioning by letting ghosts infest your house.
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
Age is just a number in the same way that a killer whale is just a fish.
fake deep people on this website will post like “do not spend time explaining yourself to people who are committed to misunderstanding you” because they got in trouble for being on their cell phone at work
Remember, you can become haunted by a ghost whenever you want. You’re an adult.
God inventing dogs like “what if your best friend sometimes pooped in your living room and ate your shoes?”
The prophecy is fulfilled
just gave my 5yo power of attorney
Still laughing about that one year my wife sold her legs to buy me gloves for Christmas, and I sold my hands to buy her pants.
I’m at that age where all my friends have husbands and babies and all I’ve got is time and money.
I can’t imagine the things this hotel air conditioner has seen.
My mother talks into the phone like a combat soldier calling in air support.
ME: *dying* are you…the Grim Reaper?
GRIM REAPER: WOW, WE LITERALLY JUST MET… PLEASE CALL ME GRIMOTHY. LET’S KEEP THIS PROFESSIONAL.
I bet jellyfish are sad that there are no peanut butter fish.
No YOU’VE been drinking.
Removing the pots and pans quietly in the morning is the adult version of Operation.
Jesus “I will come back to judge the living and the dead”…. But until then, I’ll appear in dirty ceilings and toast”
A Christmas Carol is the heartwarming tale of how rich people must be supernaturally terrorized into sharing.
I have a clear conscience until a police car pulls behind me. Then I’m like “OH GOD WHAT IF I MURDERED SOMEONE DID I MURDER SOMEONE”
My kid is mad that his little brother asked for a sip then drank all his water and I never knew justice could taste so sweet
I’m at the “buy bigger jeans” part of my Eat. Pray. Love. journey.