Breaking: CNN confirms planes need fuel to fly. In other news, scientist confirm brains are not needed to work at CNN.
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My wife loves the sexy bulge in my sweatpants.
Until I realized she was referring to my wallet.
HOT LOCAL MOMS IN YOUR AREA ARE WAITING TO TUCK U IN & WILL BE CHECKING THAT TOOTHBRUSH SO GET IN THERE & DO IT RIGHT MISTER
My therapist: You cannot be in gratitude and have resentment at the same time.
Me: OK I am grateful for this list of my enemies. It helps me to resent them in a very organized way.
I hate to get all religious on you but can I just have a minute of your time to talk about my air fryer?
My stages of drunk:
1) “Everybody, watch this!”
2) Prison
Me: *Trying to experiment in bed*
Her: *looking up from her book* What’s with the lab coat?
Got some shoes from a drug dealer , I don’t know what he laced them with coz I’ve been tripping all day.
Ever notice how like 97% of people just make up statistics on here?
My wife: *catches me in bed with a Transformer*
Me: Wait! It’s not what it looks like!
Unprecedented times would be if something nice happened every day for like 2 weeks
captain: *drops anchor over side of boat*
me: great now who’s gonna do the news
*installs mirrors on the bedroom ceiling*
*watches myself not sleeping*
Roses are red
Violets are phony
Some
BODY ONCE TOLD ME
THE WORLD WAS GONNA ROLL ME
I’m really proud of myself for getting the daily requirement of produce stickers in my diet today.
Deleting dating apps because, if you’re not already sitting on my couch, we’re not meant to be.
Wife still out of town. I’m afraid if I order Dominos again they will call child services.
Him: What’s wrong with the dog?
Me: Vet thinks he ate bird poo.
Him: What kind of bird poo?
Me: Idk…a duck, a cardinal, a pterodactyl…does it matter?
Him: You and I both know that if our dog ate pterodactyl poo it ABSOLUTELY DOES matter…
Me:
Him: (whispers) It does matter.
If you hate pooping alone may I suggest having children?
I’ve started giving camouflage sweatshirts as parting gifts when I break up with people. “I don’t want to see you anymore,” I whisper.
WIFE: Who was at the door?
ME: More carol singers.
HER: What did they sing?
ME: Silent Night
HER: I hope you didn’t t-
ME: I twerked.
The new jumper I bought kept picking up static electricity, so I took it back and they exchanged it for another one free of charge.
THERAPIST: What do you wish for?
WIFE: That we become closer again & [smiles at me] focus on the important things
ME: For the dog to talk
[uber driver dropping me off at the gym] see you back here in five minutes
To those of you who still feel like you’re superior, remember this; after this pandemic is over we will all have the skill level of a toddler when it comes to dressing ourselves.
My sister forgot the words for “national anthem” and just suggested we learn the “Canadian Theme Song.”
If I ever have another kid I’m just gonna name it Audacity since that seems to be the specialty of the humans I make.
Teenage niece (talking to me while she’s driving): Could you respond to my friend’s text for me?
And don’t make it weird by putting stuff like punctuation.
Who called it “falling in love” and not “assisted suicide”?
Me: I wish my toilet was sentient
Genie: hey fun fact if you wish for a therapist I won’t count it as one of the three
This salad I’m having for lunch tastes a lot like I’m having a greasy burger and onion rings for dinner.