@samalmightysam: Breaking: CNN confirms planes need fuel to fly. In other news, scientist confirm brains are not needed to work at CNN.
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@AmishPornStar1: I'm not saying I'm an idiot... But if some village comes looking...tell them you never saw me.
@iAmDelFreaky: I set up a life size mousetrap in my front yard, but instead of cheese as bait, I used a fedora. Death toll: 17 hipsters and a curious cat.
@mrtruthandsoul: I just lifted a couch to retrieve a Skittle that fell underneath it, so I get you Moms that lift cars to rescue children, I get you.
@shariv67: If your phone rings during a movie, answer it "Yes, Mr. President. Right away, sir!" And then run head first through the screen.