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At least I can garauntee that if I’m murdered nobody is going to pull that whole, ‘She lit up a room’ crap.
I used to eat a lot of Belgian chocolate, but I gave it up for Lindt.
Me pre-milkshake: Oohh! I’m gonna have a milkshake!
Me post-milkshake: I feel like hell and wish I were dead.
This idea is the best gift I’ve ever given myself
When you said you wanted to show me a stiff one, I had no idea you worked in a morgue.
They say money can’t buy happiness, but could someone just give me a lot of it and let me see for myself.
We took family pictures with an actual photographer today. No one argued, no one yelled, no one whined, no one cried. Years from now we can look at these photos and say, “this is how we never were.”
Me: Was this product tested on animals?
Clerk: Yes.
Me: [outraged] I knew it!!!!
Clerk: Sir, that’s a dog leash.
Every time you push the potato button on your microwave, a potato appears in someone else’s microwave.
Hubs: Columbus discovered America not asking for directions so why do I.
Me: He set out for India and went the wrong way.
Hubs: Oh.
Me: Yep.
do you think the guy who designed hand grenades really hated pineapples, or really loved them?
[Spills wine]
“My medicine!!”
avoided the guys with the white uniforms and human sized nets again so yeah it was a decent day
Yes ma’am, I understand you’re taking “pitchures” so I’m sorry for accidentally walking in front of you in this very public place.
My sweatpants sat me down and said they want me to get an office job again.
Someone at work sent an email that said “happy Monday” so I’m going to HR.
Call me hun one more time and I stg I will invade a small European country.
i really liked this one
Grampa always said, “when you leave the house make sure you’re wearing clean underwear…. otherwise the raccoons will attack your anus”.
Grampa lived a weird life.
me: (reaches for the bill) no no, i got it
my date, grabbing her stuff to leave my apartment: thank u for paying your own electric bill
Q: What do the back street ghosts like to sing?
A: I haunt it that way!
the enemy of my enemy is my enemy in law
Me: Shhh, your brother is still sleeping.
4yo: *runs upstairs
CRASH
JUMP
“Wake up!”
SLAM
*runs back downstairs
“No, he’s not.”
Me: *Unveils tray of brownies*
Neighbor: I said to bring a salad
Me: Salad is a colloquialism for brownies in my home
Neighbor: I don’t know that word
Me: It means ‘house’
*Timmy cries from the bottom of the well
*Lassie takes gloves off, looks both ways, then walks away casually
Seriously how ugly was Little Red Riding Hood’s grandma?
Me: Eat your dinner.
6: But my belly hurts.
Me: Okay then you can go lay down but no treats or snacks later.
6: But I’ll feel better then.
Please don’t leave that cake alone with me
Me: I can’t wait to say goodbye to 2021!
2022: *Somehow already on fire*