BREAKING: First satellite photo of the “ultra-cool dwarf star”
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This weather better stop actin like my teenager’s mood
Sometimes u see the moon during the day and it’s like, wow, how embarrassing. Showed up early because you were bored? Get a life, nerd moon.
*watching Dateline* wow this is the worst dating show ever
I jump out of bushes to give surprise breast exams. I save lives.
The police are on the lookout for me. Probably to give me an award.
Uber is driving me to drink. Literally.
“PS, I love you” — Me to my PlayStation.
Normalize carrying a sheriff’s star around so you can deputize yourself to:
cut a line
veto your HOA
confiscate the Costco samples
arrest your in-laws
[petting friend’s new guidedog]
so how did you get here?
“he brought me”
wow
[later in bed w/ wife]
did you know dave’s dog can drive a car?
My 5 year old just hugged me and said, “Thank you for promising to sleep in my bed with me tonight, Mommy” and that’s why you don’t answer any questions before coffee in the morning
[firing squad]
Captain: Any last words?
Prisoner: Why, yes. I’d like to speak with you for a moment about gun control.
Someone in the office keeps making decaf coffee & I’ve narrowed it down to that guy who never gets anything done.
When we do get this coronavirus vaccine, it better not just be cake.
At this point my intestine is just a water slide for tacos.
I’m gonna create chaos in my neighborhood by putting giant bows on all the cars the night before Christmas.
OnlyAcquaintances: you pay me $5 a month so i can message you “hey lets get coffee soon!” and we never get coffee
*aggressively skips to my Lou*
With trump being a potential candidate I feel like the Simpsons are sitting on their couch watching an episode of us
If I could go back in time, I’d probably stop Bruce Willis from saving us from that asteroid.
I lose bobby pins in my hair. Please don’t ask me to babysit your kids.
If your date asks what you do for a living, just say “You let me worry about that.”
Which one are you?
1. You have a healthy relationship to social media
2. You have seen every video on the entire internet
“I don’t have to outrun the bear! Just you!” Wrong. Bears are so sick of that joke, they skip the slow guy and eat the fast guy now.
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
[Live recording of The Oprah Winfrey Show]
Oprah: *excitedly pointing at audience members* You get a car, you get a car and you get a car, *looks me squarely in the eye* not you… *resumes* you get a car, you get a car…
*Removes smoke detector battery
**Cooks in silence
I just locked eyes with a spider.
But instead of killing him I ran away and hid, so he can spend the night stressing about where I am.
Spent the day dressed as a bee, gently bumping myself against my neighbor’s sliding-glass door. Got the hose twice.
The defense rests your honor.
*camera pans to defendant taking a nap*
We need to drop all our differences and unite against our common enemy: mercury in retrograde
Him: Shake whatcha mama gave ya.
Me: *picks up crock pot