@TeaPartyCat: BREAKING: Hillary Clinton concedes election to Donald Trump, saying “I just can’t see how I can win after Scott Baio endorsed Trump.”
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@Ygrene: *brings knife to gunfight* *knife used to cut pizza* *pizza served & differences resolved* *last slice up for grabs & gunfight ensues*
@markydoodoo: Marry someone who loves Hawaiian pizza so you can just get your own good tasting pizza all to yourself.
@bridger_w: I caught my insane ex going through my garbage, but I guess that's what I get for dating a raccoon.
@ImFunnyMang: And on the 32nd day, God had forgotten to end his free trial, so he was charged for the month.