@TeaPartyCat: BREAKING: Hillary Clinton concedes election to Donald Trump, saying “I just can’t see how I can win after Scott Baio endorsed Trump.”
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@browneyegirl9: If you don't like the idea of wiping someone's ass in the middle of eating a delicious meal, you probably shouldn't become a parent.
@Humor_Fetish: Friend: "Did you bring condoms?" Me: "No need. If I'm drunk enough to talk to a girl, I'm way too drunk to get it up."
@bellicosejason: If you're behind someone at an ATM, let them know you're not a threat by gently kissing their neck.
@UncleDuke1969: Me: Read this tweet. Wife: Sure. Me: Is it racist? Wife: No. Me: Sexist? Wife: No. Me: Is it offensive at all? Wife: No. Me: *deletes tweet*