BREAKING: Hillary Clinton concedes election to Donald Trump, saying “I just can’t see how I can win after Scott Baio endorsed Trump.”
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*screaming at the smoke alarm*
DOES THIS SEEM HELPFUL TO YOU???
If Wonder Woman and Spider-Man go into business together, they should call it Amazon Web Services.
this post was so formative to me
*first day as Robin Hood
“Ok, this is a TERRIBLE business model.”
Fact: The best tuna fish salad recipe is the combination of ingredients that best covers up the taste of the tuna.
The pic on Nextdoor of a swarm of bees on someone’s fence is wicked cool until you recognize the fence.
My husband texted me while I was at the store and asked me to pick up birthday candles for my own birthday, so guess who’s turning 33 instead of 38 this year because birthday candle numbers don’t lie
Chamomile tea makes chamomile pee.
I exercise by running up the street knocking on all the doors.
Jehovah’s fitness.
[i get home to find a note on the refrigerator that says “i’m leaving and i’m taking the kids”]
ME: *unplugs fridge from power outlet* you’re not going anywhere you piece of shit
I wrote a message to my mom giving her a heads up on my carefully thought-out plan to approach my wife about a divorce, and then accidentally sent it to my wife.
[Couples Therapy]
HER: He keeps pretending he’s a doctor. This relationship is dead
HIM: I’m calling it. Time of death, 9:26
ME: OMG SEE!
Wife: Give me $50
Me: Can’t, it’s all tied up in our long-term investment strategy
W: Eh?
M: Gave it all to a psychic for next week’s winning lottery numbers
W: IDIOT
M: Knew she was good, that’s exactly what she predicted you’d say!
W: I despise you
Girl, are you a conspiracy theory?
Because I want to listen to you all day long even though I find it hard to believe a word you say.
3 fought tooth and nail over not putting on pants under a dress this morning. I explained it was weather appropriate.
3: How about I put them on now and take them off at school?
She’s going to crush high school.
This was the Moment when twitter decided to double the Size of its Application.
[1st date]
You’re gonna love this place
*pushes you out the passenger side door and drives away
Hey everyone, try my new soft drink. It’s called MOIST
wordle is optional. y’all complain so much, just wanted to remind you
Me: If you love something you have to let it go.
Wife: Get your own bag of shredded cheese
If I ever get burned at the stake, I’m filling my pockets with popcorn kernels to make a nice snack for the audience.
Weather man said all you need today is sunglasses and sunscreen but I think I’ll put some clothes on too.
ME: Do you believe in ghosts?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: A ghost just spent $600 on a new home surround sound system.
If I were a cop, I’d focus on the people going the speed limit. They’re the ones with something to hide.
[phone rings]
Mum: your grandad isn’t well. I’m afraid he’s on his deathbed
Me: well tell him to get in a different bed then
My son played a song in the car and I actually liked it. Hell has frozen over.
16,875,547,322 traffic-related bug deaths so far this year
Dating profile at 26: I’m cute and interesting and funny and I will find everything you say super interesting. Let’s get married.
46:
I like what I like. I’m not growing my hair long just so you can pet it. I have one cankle, and I bloat after eating. Hit me up.
*Whispers in random chicks ear
“I have pizza in the van”