BREAKING: Hobbit director Peter Jackson’s next huge undertaking to be 3-part movie series of The Cheesecake Factory menu.
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Saw a ‘Book Of Opposites’ at the store today and I couldn’t help but wonder why they didn’t call it a Contradictionary.
Expect the unexporcupine.
My house isn’t messy, it’s whimsical.
How does my kids bathroom always look like a crime scene where someone was murdered with toothpaste
[after Simba is presented to the animal kingdom]
Mufasa: thx for coming, now join us for the celebratory feast
the antelopes: wait, the what now?
Dolly Parton wrote “Jolene” and “I Will Always Love You” on the same day and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
The only reason I’m on LinkedIn is to find employed dates for the weekends.
HER: Is that a potato in your pocket or ar-
ME: Yeah. I’m saving it for later.
[Ancient Greek Dandruff Shampoo Commercial]
MEDUSA: *looking super embarrassed, trying to casually brush a bunch of shed snake skins off her shoulders*
[on date]
Him: Honesty is very important. Be upfront about things. We have to trust each other. It’s how love works.
Me: I’m Batman.
Is it still murder if they said, “Some other time,” but I thought they said smother time?
I don’t want to open a can of worms in a china shop but mixed metaphors can be very effective and logical to boot. No bull.
Little known fact from Marley and Me, they used 8 different Owen Wilsons during production, so he would look the same age.
Catch a spark… Set the world on fire!
– Incinerational Tweet
If I were one of the sciencers, I would simply do this
Sample lady: Would you like to try a chocolate chip cookie?
Me: You have to tell me if you’re a cop.
bank transfers when they’re taking money out of your account: haha yeah we can do this at the speed of light now. w/e its cool
bank transfers when they’re putting money in your account: hold on there pardner. we have to load this check on a pony and ride it across texas first
Job interview…
H- “So how would you describe yourself?”
Me- “Verbally but just incase I prepared a dance”..
Call your teenage daughter by the dog’s name one time and she doesn’t talk to you for three days. Three wonderful fabulous amazing days.
My 20 y.o. son: Mom, if you were in Star Wars, do you think you’d be on the light side or the dark side?
Me: I’d probably be the mom whose son abandoned her to stay a slave on a desert planet after he won a flying car race.
Now is the perfect time to openly dig any graves you may need for the coming year and call it halloween decor.
What do you mean they lied? Pfft. You can’t lie on the internet.
My guy makes beautiful dressers, but he leaves his drawers everywhere
“jogging gives me endorphins”
so does shoplifting. jogging does not give you free mascara.
If you hit a car that is blaring Christmas music before Thanksgiving, it will deploy tinsel instead of airbags.
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m trying to spell Chrysanthemum
Fun fact: you don’t need to be naked to thumb wrestle. Or oiled up
Son’s journal entry
💯 sweet 💯 inaccurate on all counts
Laxatives help you live up to your full pooptential.
If you love someone, give them a possum in a box. Then you’ll know how they react in a panic and you might change your mind.