Me: When a door closes a window opens.
All dads: Close that damn window! I’m not trying to air condition the whole damn county! And turn off that light while you’re at it.
You Might Also Like
☀️🧛🏻 🌙 🦇
Watching football with your 11 y/o daughter is fun because when you get frustrated at your team, she asks calming questions like, “Daddy, do you really think you can do better than the players?”
Keanu Reeves: THERE’S A BOMB ON THE BUS! IF WE GO UNDER 50MPH WE’LL EXPLODE!
Me: [while maintaining eye contact, presses “Next Stop” signal]
Hate the weather? Wait 5 minutes. It’s Ohio.
Where you can experience every season within 24 hours.
“LOL, NOPE”
-Me, 25 seconds into the marathon
At my funeral I want there to be a big ‘live laugh love’ sign with the ‘live’ crossed out
Stuffed animals are strange like an actual tiger will tear you to pieces but here ya go kid, sweet dreams.
They’ve postponed the Olympics, so I’m going to back off the intensity of my workouts.
rumpelstiltskin: you must guess my name or surrender your first born
barista: *under breath* shit
huge if true: the moon
It’s sad that a few fake Nigerian princes have ruined it for all the good Nigerian princes who are just looking to wire 24 million dollars.
[hands over brown bag with £10,000 ransom]
“Now give me my wife.”
“This is short by £2.39”
[hides Mcflurry] “it’s all I got.”
Wife: You’re shirtless?
*nods*
W: And covered in…oil?
-Well, you know how you always say I never glisten?
W: Listen. You never listen.
-Oh
Computer: Do you trust this device?
Me: Why? Is there something you’re not telling me?
A News Reporter just described someone as “Healthy as a Bus”.
Yeah….I don’t know either.
Overheard a woman telling another woman “It’s $150 and she supplies all the turtles” and whatever it is, I’m in.
coworker: you alright?
me: my lunch isn’t agreeing with me.
my lunch: global warming is a myth
Patient: I’m going to miss you. If I need anything how do I reach you?
Me: Pentagram and a dead goat
My apologies in advance as I present to you: Matilda Swinton
My brain: “Let’s do something adventurous today!”
My body: “Yeah, good luck with that.”
GIRLFRIEND: How am I gonna tell my dad I’m pregnant?
ME: Leave that to me.
[later, at dinner]
HER DAD: *grabs chest* I’m having a heart attack.
ME: Oh no! Grandpa’s 😉 having a heart attack 😉
I found a video of a duck falling asleep and I’m convinced it’s the cutest video ever
Keep your friends close and a bag of chips closer.
*text to wife 2 hours after she goes away for week long trip*
hey, whats the best way to get grease off my favorite basketball shorts and do we have a fire extinguisher?
love you
ps – does the dishwasher usually smoke? also do I like cucumbers??
Love you, dont worry about me
carpooler: what’d you think “beat the traffic” meant?
ryu from streetfighter: I don’t wanna talk about it
Kids will take 47 minutes to put on their socks and shoes then want someone to time them to see if they can take a bath and brush their teeth in 90 seconds.
prince of whales, doo doo doo doo doo doo
THIS HEADLINE
I don’t believe in gender equality because there are just some things I’m not meant to do. Like be the sane one in a relationship.
Cost me $200 to fill up my tank tonight. Don’t know why I bought a tank, so impractical.