I feel melancoll, meloncholl, melancholl, meloncholy, you know what, I’m good.
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We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
Kids will say anything to procrastinate sleep. Tonight my 3yo called me into his room to tell me that he “bit his teeth.” Ok… well, now bite them with your eyes closed.
Other Whole Foods customer: In this light I can’t make out the color of this cheese. What color is this? I want something to serve with figs.
Lionel Richie: Yellow. Is it brie you’re looking for?
Don’t follow me… I once sat in a traffic jam for 5 minutes getting pissed off while everyone lined up behind me, but I realised they were parked cars
Customer: can I pay with my phone?
Me: no we need dollars
It takes a lot of courage for a man to admit his wife is wrong…
I don’t give a damn what the horoscopes say, get you a girl born in February. Amethyst is one of the cheaper birthstones and if you play your cards right you can do one of those Birthday-Valentine’s Day combo celebrations.
Dating is like a 2-day-old box of chocolates.
The good ones are already taken.
Old lady: I swallowed a spider in my sleep
Doctor: that’s quite normal
Old lady: and then a bird
Doctor: what
a girl took a grilled cheese out of her purse and threw it across the street like a frisbee to me i never thought i’d be able to love again
[texting my fiancé the night before our wedding] are we still on for tomorrow
My spouse wonders why I have a hard time visiting his parents for the whole weekend but it probably has a lot to do with the fact that I have to put a bra on before coffee
i asked my husband to get something larger than the tiny bottle of olive oil he usually buys…
THEO VAN GOGH: I can’t believe you lost your other ear in a poker game
VINCENT VAN GOGH: What?
growing up, nothing was ever more unsettling than when you were at a friend’s house and found out they had weird names for their grandparents. who the f*** is gum-gum
All I’m sayin is that you’re not gonna want my kid doing your taxes after being homeschooled by me.
When my first baby was born, we didn’t have smart phones to look at while cradling a baby so she stays sleeps, so I had to balance a hard backed library book without dropping it on her head which is no easy feat I tell ya.
New parent: My child is having a hard time with teething. Any advice?
Veteran parent: Take some whiskey, drink a bunch of it.
Justin Bieber only pretends to retire on Twitter, worst Christmas ever.
How a hammer can generate enough heat to start a fire.
Me: I’m on social media because I want attention.
Scammers: Hi!
Me: Not like that.
The Fast and the Furious.
– Me, not eating after 6:00 pm for my morning blood work 😠.
Studies show women find food emotionally comforting.
Please send chickpeas.
Who’s Rudolph’s favourite pop star?
Beyon-sleigh.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
Getting dressed,
Makeup is looking good,
Awesome hair day,
Feeling great about myself!Put on my glasses….
Damn it!
drummer: “just add er on the end of your instrument”
guy who plays trumpet: “so im a trumpeter, ok cool”
guy who plays trombone: “oh no”
it’s “wake up little susie” because no one wanted to mess with big susie
I like this time of year because I can dig graves in my front yard and people think it’s just a cute Halloween display
Note to self: always read the final line