If you want to keep a secret from me, write it down and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
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I don’t know why they are staring. Ignore them.
*Holds drink up to your voodoo doll’s mouth*
I just don’t understand people who see Tesla hit pedestrians, blow up, and malfunction constantly and are like “yes please Mr. Musk I want to drive one underwater”
Welcome to your 50s, water now gives you heartburn.
It’s 1:28 AM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed there’s a rustle as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a Snickers bar.
“Hashtag.” #ReplaceAOneWordMovieTitleWithTheWordHashtag
In first grade when I’d tell my parents what I learned in class and they’d act amazed, I’d think “Shouldn’t you know this shit already?”
“NOAH. YOU WILL BUILD AN ARK”
k
“NOT “K” THIS IS IMPORTANT”
Sorry
“THATS OK. TAKE 2 OF EVERY ANIMAL ON IT”
Even fish?
*THUNDER*
“NO NOT FISH
Wife: He only hears what he wants to hear…
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: She’s right. Space Jam is the greatest movie of all time.
If anyone out there is named Aesop dear god please open a table store I have just the name for you.
Cat burglar: Quietly steals all your valuables
Dog burglar: Eats your ham, sleeps in bed with you for awhile, wakes you up to go out at 3am
My german shepard doesn’t like dog food, so we have that in common.
Standing outside your window holding a rotisserie chicken above my head.
A terrible baby shower game idea is called, “Have a man come in and guess which woman at the shower is pregnant.”
[post sex interview]
reporter: what went wrong out there
me: well, i shouldn’t have yelled “holy moly” when i came
Just dyed a bald eagle red, white & blue & forced my family to eat 3 apple pies each. We’re all crying. It’s awesome.
Eat local. Your neighbor’s food.
Him: It’s like people are going feral.
Me: *looks in mirror*
*tries to run fingers through my hair*
*hand gets stuck in rat’s nest*
*flicks ham off my shirt*
*takes deep breath*
*straightens shoulders*
*lifts chin*It’s finally my time to shine. I shall be their leader.
Sylvester Stallone is looking more and more like G.I Joe doll put in a microwave on high for twenty minutes
Welcome to middle age. “I carried a watermelon” has gone from movie quote to something you tell your orthopedist.
[•[•[•[•[•[•[•_•]•]•]•]•]•]•] Lego guy gang comin right at u
*Forgets to stir pasta for 4 seconds*
The Pasta:
*Goes to a monastery knocks on the door. A monk answers the door.
Monk: (smiles) Hello. May I help you?
Me: By Chance is your name Chip?
Monk: What?
Me: If your name is Chip that would make you Chip-Monk! Get it? Like Alvin yah know?
Monk: *Whispers “Thou Shall Not Kill”.
Wife: I had to retire a pair of undies and the next one in the rotation was white,
I hate white pantiesMe: well, that’s the last time they’ll be white, so…
Does anyone want to help me try to find my last 2 molars?
They’re either under the fridge or I swallowed them
Cats always land on their feet & bread always lands butter down, but spread butter on the cat’s back & everyone wonders why you’re naked.
My body might be failing, but at least my mind is still sharp as a sack.
Chess is my favourite game but I don’t play favourites
HGTV has taught me you can do anything if you have the right tools. I’ve also learned that any handyman you hire will have those tools.
Admit it, no one really knows how to use the memory function on a calculator. We’re all just too embarrassed to ask now.
Following a series of poor personal decisions I now owe the ferret mafia six grand and my only way out is to be the driver for a meat heist planned by a squirrel dragged back in for one last job, assisted by a weasel nobody trusts. Not even the stoat bagman.
Guys, have you ever become so fed up trying to undo a bra that you wished you hadn’t put one on in the first place?