Breaking: It’s snowing where some people live and not snowing where other people live. More about this in 10 minutes on Facebook News.
You Might Also Like
things i’ve picked my teeth with:
– pen lid
– unfolded staple
– aggressive licking
– a blade of grassthings i’ve never picked my teeth with:
– toothpick
If my husband asks, we took a lit course together in college
2:10 – perfect popcorn
2:13 – firefighters on scene
The last 3 minutes of any podcast could all be confessions to murder and we’d never know
My family is sound asleep on this early Saturday morning
*Starts to vacuum
Not today, today.
Not today.
(Watching Planet Earth)
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: A narrow escape. The rabbit lives to fight another day
ME: hooray I wanted this
DA: The fox will have nothing to feed its hungry babies
ME: Oh no why did I want this
Most people think that T Rexes can’t clap because they have short arms, but really it’s because they’re dead…
I wish forks had three prongs instead of four. I’d feel so powerful eating with a miniature trident. I want to dominate my food, not give it acupuncture.
Friend : Going to therapy saved my marriage.
Me: I’m so sorry.
{response at rap battle}
Nice try but my Mom isn’t even flexible so it’s impossible that really took place.
Hands up if you’ve given yourself a bloody nose by swooping down a little too eagerly on the buffet and smashing into the sneeze guard.
So, just me? Okay.
“hey what’s that sqiggly thing on the ground?”
“i don’t know, it looks kinda like a w or m”— how the worm got its name
I don’t like towels so after a shower I just sit in a tub of rice
“Who Wants To Be a Millionaire?” would be a better show if the only contestants were billionaires.
when people make fun of me for reading fiction, I don’t get mad. I simply invite them down into my cellar for a glass of fine vintage. they have never read Poe; they have no idea what’s coming.
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
I quit my job at Starbucks because of all the name-calling.
If anyone asks, I’m only watching three shirtless buff guys work on the neighbour’s roof because home improvement projects are super educational.
Prof asked if anyone liked comic books. I raised my hand. She didnt add anything or say why it mattered. Just wanted to isolate me socially.
my son the little archaeologist informed me that he could tell a remote control he found was ancient because it had a button for PS3
If you think you’re socially awkward, one time a woman I barely know was pointing to something on my shirt and I thought she wanted to start a finger sword fight with me.
So nice of you to stop by and visit. You must be very busy with all that (squints at logo on card) child protective servicing you do.
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
[dinner date]
Him: I think a woman should eat like a bird.
Me: {devours a porterhouse like a pteradactyl}
As we debated who would win between Vader and Gandalf, we suddenly realized our dates had left
Me: oh shit, our new doormat says ‘Welcome,’ do you think any vampire can just come in now?
BF: just turn it around.
Executive Vice President of Coca-Cola: “we refresh the world.” So modest. We all know it’s more than that. It also removes rust from chrome bumpers.
[ GUY INVENTING THE LUGE ]
[*Drunk] Hmmm… I wonder what would happen if I slide down this ice mountain on this lawn chair?!