BREAKING: Jennifer Lawrence taking 2-year break from acting.
Vin Diesel is also taking a break from acting, but will keep making movies.
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Call me a hoarder if you want but don’t come crying to me when you need a 3 foot tall stack of mayonnaise jar labels.
So it turns out the child that cost me the most money in the Legoland store……was me.
11-year-old: I folded the laundry.
Me: You only folded one thing.
11: Is laundry plural?
It’s a little sad that today’s youth don’t get to experience a red rubber dodgeball to the face like we did back in the day.
I love high fashion advertising. It’s like, “Why yes, I am wearing a $2000 skirt at the gas station while a llama patiently waits in my car.”
Shout out to politicians for keeping the word “folks” alive.
Got fired by the DMV for giving Stuart Little his driver’s license
[First date]
Him: What’s your favorite dish?
Me: The one that holds the most food.
People will say stuff like “well at least if WWIII happens I won’t have to go to work…” I think in your heart you know that’s not true
Me: (slightly intoxicated ) I don’t think our cat understands me at all.
16: Mom, put the guinea pig back in his cage please. You’re scaring him.
My bank doesn’t feel I’m doing enough to clear my debt but I think they should give me more credit.
I want to buy my girlfriend a present within 250$ on valentines day any suggestions?
I also need a girlfriend to give her the present and 250$.
I’ve never learned anything from a good decision.
*nervous sweating* I’m going to go to the bathroom, did you want anything?
(Me tryna flirt)
[framing store]
SALESPERSON: how can I help you
ME: make it look like my wife did a murder
Everyone hates on the dentist but at least they don’t try to weigh you.
If Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson returned to wrestling to fight Sammy ‘The Scissors’ Nelson would it appear on paper view?
We tested 3 new dishwashers at Home Depot before the salesperson made us take our dirty dishes back out to the car.
*at bedtime
And in this corner weighing in at 32 pounds is a toddler calling herself the Intimidator. I see she has a “Sleep is for the weak” tattoo on her forearm and has made a strong move refusing pajamas and crying for mommy…
I went to a vegan restaurant once. Wait, no, that was just a florist.
[Updates Christian Mingle bio]
“Just like Moses, I pay attention to the bush first”“You have 999 new matches”
vaccinated, but claiming unvaccinated for antisocial purposes
It’s wild how I barely notice the flavor of a cucumber when I bite into one, but when I taste an “infused” water I’m like BY JOVE, A CUCUMBER’S BEEN HERE I’D BET MY LIFE ON IT.
An ATM has surveillance footage of me feeding it Kraft Singles, so there’s that.
geese are just mad that we refuse to buy insurance from them
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
Boss: I suspect one of you is dead
[Everyone looks at me, except for Paul, who is not moving at all]
*travels back in time to kill Hitler as a baby* *becomes known as time-traveling baby murderer & history’s greatest monster*
*leaves work early and pulls in to seedy 4 hours stay motel on the highway. Looks around to make sure no one sees*
Me: This is going to be so great.
*sleeps for 4 hours*
A Brit watching their house fall off a cliff:
“That’s a bit of a blow”