@Tmoney68: BREAKING: Justin Bieber expresses interest in being baptized. Over 4 million people volunteer to hold his head under water.
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@mrtimlong: Every time I raise my arm a little, a falcon lands on it. It was super-cool at first, but now I'm starting to get annoyed.
@maughammom: Me: "Want a banana?" 3yo: "Yes, but don't cut it up. And don't peel it. And don't make it be a banana. Make it be a waffle."
@BuckyIsotope: OLD MAN: I fought in WWII ME: Oh yeah? What was your kill:death ratio OLD MAN: what ME: Can you rocket jump? OLD MAN: I wish Hitler had won