@lasergirl70: Getting rid of my cleaning person sounded like a good way to save money, until it came time to do the cleaning.

@ItsAndyRyan: Just misread a headline 'Trump wins big' as 'Trump bins wig'. I thought: 'about time too'.

@TheAlexNevil: "In just 4 years, you can get a 4 year degree!" Yes, "university" commercial--that math checks out.

@KalvinMacleod: INTERVIEWER: your resume says that you take things too literally ME: how the hell did my resume say that?

@ashmensch: Ambien: Remember the time we picked a fight with Gary's garden gnome, chugged a jar of mayonnaise & passed out naked in Arby's parking lot?