@jwoodham: BREAKING: Man arrested for owning a waterbed. Police reported that "it's not really illegal, but a waterbed in 2014? That's just creepy."
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@aveuaskew: Robber: If you ever want to see your family again do exactly as I say. Now hand me that bag! Me: *sets bag on fire*
@Kendragarden: I call my nephews "Dude" and "Homie" because I'm the cool Aunt! (I don't know their names.)
@goulden_eye: Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery. LOL just kidding it was double homicide.