@jwoodham: BREAKING: Man arrested for owning a waterbed. Police reported that "it's not really illegal, but a waterbed in 2014? That's just creepy."
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@DanMentos: "Bob's here" Bob the surgeon or Bob who just pretends he's a surgeon? "We only know one Bob and he's an accountant" *arm falls off*
@iscoff: TEACHER: please take off your hat in class *I take off my hat revealing a slightly smaller hat* ME: I can do this 14 more times
@upsidedowntrash: After a long journey Frodo and Sam arrive to return the One Ring to the fires of Mt. Doom Frodo: Dude dont be mad, but I forgot the receipt