BREAKING: Man arrested for owning a waterbed. Police reported that “it’s not really illegal, but a waterbed in 2014? That’s just creepy.”
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It’s just sad how often I see zookeepers breaking their own “Don’t Feed the Animals” rule.
I’ve been playing GTA for an hour and I still can’t find the “exchange insurance information” button.
Hard not to take this personally
Be a good dad
When your son wants to play catch, do it
When he needs a hug, give one
When he wants to play drums, tell him his mom said no
Took the man to get his hearing aids fixed today. Still deciding if it was a smart move. Don’t touch my radio.
Son: Are you eating pie for breakfast?
Me (eating pie): No. Fruit casserole. Want some?
Son: NO. I hate casserole.
Me (whispers): I know…
**both sitting at the pub having a beer**
Me: So. What’d you give up for Lent?
Friend: I gave up drinking.
Me:
Friend:
Me: No.
Friend: I gave up drinking standing up?
Me: Nicely done.
Friend: We should do shots to celebrate….
how is March already THIS WEEK, I’m still processing the industrial revolution era of 1820-1840
doctor: do you use recreational drugs?
me: no
doctor: you don’t have to lie to me
me: yeah i know, but i like to
[someone stops being my friend]
ah that’s sad they must have died
Kid 1: I’m bored
Kid 2: me too
Kid 3: our parents gave us horrible names
Seth Rogen and James Franco having their movie pulled due to terrorist threats sounds like the plot of a Seth Rogen and James Franco movie.
Neutrons are the Switzerland of subatomic particles.
I see Netflix changed The Punisher’s origin to have his family killed by the government instead of him getting bit by a radioactive punish.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: attention passengers is anyone here a doctor
PASSENGERS: sorry no
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: um ok then is anyone here a pilot
I’ve watched this 19 times this morning.
[First date]
Date: I’m looking for a guy who’s above average.
Me: [Trying to be above average] I’ve eaten 17 spiders this year
Nothing makes me second-guess my language like a little voice chirping, “Mommy, I found your freaking measuring spoons.”
Never leave for tomorrow what you can eat today.
*me, at the bank, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my 12 dollars lives
[Inventing limes]
God: we need a fruit that is useless without alcohol
I don’t mean to brag but most people double lock their door after I leave
I’m posting this because I’m honestly at a loss. I’ve been in this situationship for as long as I can remember & I need advice. There’s this guy & he’s honestly SO nice & he gets me whatever I want but he only visits once a year & only when I’m sleeping & then he just disappears.
I’m just curious if anyone has been through anything like this? Any advice? I don’t even have his number I just write him letters.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘mnemonic’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Memory Needs Every Method Of Nurturing Its Capacity
Billy where is your homework? “im sorry Ms. Klein my dog- *sees dog in the window make a throat cutting motion* -gone cat ate it”
Just show up everyday and be consistent.
Toddlers make it easy to do that especially when they come to your room and just show up in your face, silently, at 3 am staring at you.
I totally don’t wanna work today but on the off chance that my boss looks at my twitter, I totes DO wanna work.
Hey…quick question, fellas:
Does it still count as leg day if you just shaved them?
My biggest regret to date is probably never telling Kary C, Kerri B, Cari R and Kerry L from 4th grade that their names were spelled wrong..
“I’m in the middle of an Adam Sandler movie” isn’t a good excuse to get out of anything.
I know this now.