@jwoodham: BREAKING: Man arrested for owning a waterbed. Police reported that "it's not really illegal, but a waterbed in 2014? That's just creepy."
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@CornOnTheGoblin: [my mom pretends to answer her phone] hello? oh hi Batman...i dunno if he's eating his vegetables or not me: [mouth full of broccoli] i am!
@notacroc: WIFE: get down here! ME: *from telephone wire* I'm with my friends WIFE: why are u wearing fake wings? ME: *to bird next to me* they're real
@Karissajem: Nephew: Wouldn't it be cool to breathe fire like a dragon? Me:*drinking gin straight from the bottle* We're about to find out, kid.
@DeanOkay: I learned mathematical fractions from a drug dealer. He said if I don't pay $4,000 in 7 days, I'll lose 3 fingers.