@cat_whisperer_: Breaking: New torture report reveals CIA use of Facebook Year In Review videos.
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@KeetPotato: wife: "you promised you wouldnt buy anything stupid with our lottery winnings" me: [covering penguin's ears] "he can hear you linda"
@davidkenny100: Pal: On your date, go to a French restaurant. And remember! Girls love a wine connoisseur. Later... Me: we'll both have the wine connoisseur
@RunwayDan: I appreciate it when my cats stand around while I clean their litter box. We're like a little road crew: one guy works, three supervise.
@humanwarnings: The next time I hang out with people who start making out in front of me, I'm going to start flossing my teeth in front of them.