Breaking: New torture report reveals CIA use of Facebook Year In Review videos.
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librarian: that’s $34.92 in late fees
me: *whispers* waldo’s really hard to find
Customer is always right
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all French toast.
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches neck*
*takes a deep breath**heads toward buffet*
[first date]
him: I’m a cat person.
me: [trying to impress]
*bites him when he tries holding my hand
[sideline]
QUARTERBACK: I think we should run it. How about you?
COACH: Hmm…pass[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QUARTERBACK: He refused to answer
Have you tried sticking your head in a bag of rice?
-me, as a therapist
Gynecologists in small towns spend a lot of time looking up old friends
[with my final breath] Tell my wife that I loved..the economy
Me (standing on top of my kitchen island): I CANT SWIM!!!!
The words, “Relax mom, it’s only glitter” is the biggest contradiction a mom can hear.
Them: “I hate to be a…”
Me: “Then don’t.”
The most common things I say to my kids, by store:
Grocery store: “No, you don’t need more candy.”
Toy store: “No, you don’t need more toys.”
Hardware store: “No, you don’t need a nail gun.”
When a girl says “I’m cold” don’t be an idiot and say “me too”, instead say “well damn Jackie I can’t control the weather”
Sorry I’m late, there was an octopus throwing pies at me so I was literally… Occupied
Being a parent puts you in excruciatingly difficult situations. For example, having to talk to other parents.
Me: *throwing popcorn to our toddler like a pigeon*
Wife: Stop that! Do you want more to show up?!
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Aether is both a noun and a verb.
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every once in a while one of these nerds really swings for the fences
Pretty woman, the kind that don’t eat meat
Pretty woman, the kind that likes to hug trees
Ohoh what can I do? She’s making me eat vegan food
{At therapists}
SIMBA: Once my dad let a monkey hold me over a cliff.
DOCTOR: Yes, stripping to the waist is necessary for this check-up
ME: uh ok. Should I do it too?
DOCTOR [flexing biceps] yeah if you want
Thought my kids were finally playing well together. Turns out they were just upstairs hammering nails in the wall. And that is the story of why I’m one hundred percent done with summer break.
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
Still writing HBO Max on my checks
There should be a tv game show where couples have to scroll through every streaming service looking for something they both want to watch and if time runs out, they get divorced.
me: they’re all so cute but i don’t know if i can take one away from its mother and siblings
pumpkin patch employee: ok
I feel like this would increase accidents because if I saw that I would assume it’s a demon arriving to drag my soul to hell.
“No new iPhone, I just wanted to talk about my feelings” – Tim Cook, hopefully
ME: So what’s happening today
NEWS: *incoherent screaming*