@CrapLocalNews: Breaking news:
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@DillDoes: You can't spell "secret government conspiracies" without that 27th letter of the alphabet that they're hiding from us
@bigmacher: #IHaveJustEnoughMoneyTo pay my phone bill so I can call my credit card company to tell them I don't have money to pay them.
@shatty48: Now that I've removed my windshield wipers I shouldn't be getting anymore parking tickets.
@AmericanGent69: Co-Worker: Poor John has been single forever. We should set him up. Me: *hiding cocaine and a gun in his office desk* I’m on it.