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[Sexting]
HER: Tell me what you want
ME: A sequel to Ratatouille
HER: No! Tell me what you want in bed
ME: Oh! *gets in bed* a sequel to Ratatouille
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
A smile in Canada is called a smilometre.
Me: Excuse me Father, what’s the Wifi password?
Priest: We’re in Church!
Me: Oh I’m sorry. What’s the Wifi password, Amen.
JUDGE: I may send u to jail. But if u act less condescending, I’ll let u go free
ME [waving goodbye to my family] u mean condescendingLY
The cashier at McDonald’s was more than happy to warm up some Diet Coke for my baby’s bottle.
I interviewed 300 high achievers about their morning routine, and you will never believe, they all have inherited family wealth.
How funny would it be if NASA discovered a sign on Mars that read, “Congratulations humans, level 1 completed!”
Me: *in bed with dogs*
*car drives down street*
Dogs: HOW DARE YOU MAKE A NOISE WHILE OUR HUMAN IS SLEEPING, WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?
Trying to watch what I eat again so I just ate an entire loaf of bread with half a jar of Nutella I’d say that’s a good start
Her: Do I look fat?
Him: Do I look stupid?…
Maybe I’m not depressed. Maybe I just think moving trains need hugs too.
Boss – can you pass a piss test?
Me – Sure…distance or accuracy?
Finding love on twitter is like pulling a diamond ring out of a septic tank but nothing is impossible
Remember when we used to eat cake after someone blew all over it?
Good times.
me: do you serve crabs here?
waiter: yes, we do
my crab: *taking off his jacket* finally
Cop: we have you surrounded come out with your hands up
Stick Figure: lol
Cop: wait are you surrendering or laughing right now
Driving to work, and I just reached down to touch my leg to make sure I have pants on.
My daughter mockingly told me about Winemaking 101, a class her university offers. I surely hope she won’t mind bumping into me on campus.
I think the saying “every man for himself” was made up by women tired of making sandwiches
Anyone know the second rule of fight club?
Told my mom I hit 1200 Twitter followers. She pointed out how my brother owns a house and I’m wanted by several collection agencies. Oh ma!
What does it mean when you sit next to an elderly woman on the bus and she shakes her head and makes the sign of the cross?
Dear water parks, what stops you from building an escalator to the swim slide?
I always score high marks on my drug test; so four years of college wasn’t a complete waste.
you need to be 737 maxxing. you need to have a few screws loose. you need to be dramatically throwing open doors to feel the fresh air outside. you need to be keeping yourself grounded. you need to be lighting yourself on fire occasionally just to feel something.
OH GOOD!
My child is tall enough to reach light switches.
Him: your account was stolen!
Me: My twitter account?
Him: no your bank account!*sigh*
Me: thanks God!
My career goal is to immortalize every travel nightmare on the silver screen
– Tom Hanks, probably