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Nintendo say they are protecting children from inappropriate language online by making their voice chat app so bad that nobody will use it
The urge to say “yeah you should do that”, especially when you have no clue.
[coming out of my bunker after the apocalypse happened]
friend: holly shit. everything is gone
me: i’m gonna try out for the nba
friend: what
me: i think i can make it now. do u think they’re still doin it
I dropped my bowl of SpaghettiOs and it spelled ‘oooooooo’ on the floor. Spooky
No one shot Rick Ross – when you’re that big you’re BOUND to be hit by a random stray bullet now and then
Tried to back up today in a car without a rear facing camera. I killed seven pedestrians and three dogs.
Kids be like “Hey can you decorate outside my room for my birthday tomorrow like you did last year? But make it a surprise.”
It’s fine to eat a “test” grape in the produce section but you take one bite of a rotisserie chicken and it’s all, “sir you need to leave.”
my perfume shop will have selections like eau de fresh bread, eau de sizzling bacon or eau de piping hot coffee
“Doctor: Put the IV in.
Nurse: The 4 what?”
– chronic problem in Roman emergency rooms
my gym crush finally said hi to me and so naturally this was the time to start choking on my own saliva
said in every police drama ever
– her parents are coming down from Wisconsin
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to have pizza.
Recipe:Add wine and cook out the alcohol.
Me: Whaaaaaa?
I refuse to pay all that money for CrossFit. If I want a man to scream at me in a garage, I can visit my dad
How come cats make the only sexy Halloween costumes? What’s wrong with a sexy llama or a sexy sloth or something?
My living will specifies that if I’m ever on life support nobody pulls the plug until I reach my goal weight
Anyone else notice your clothes only get caught on door handles when you are already angry or annoyed???
[first karate lesson]
Me: *entering dojo* BONSAI!!!
Sensei: Do you mean ‘Banzai’?
Me: *just starts chucking little trees at Sensei*
I never eat coins in front of vending machines because I don’t want them to fall in love with me.
[leaving Whole Foods]
wife: Can you believe we only spent $100?
*bag rips*
*apple falls out*
me:
wife:
me: Well that was a waste of $100
I’m so uncomfortable with confrontation, a waiter could bring me a bowl of cold black olives instead of my meal and I would quietly eat them and tip 30%.
Damn, this hole is wet
*I say right after stepping into a puddle
Jury duty would be a lot more popular if they gave everyone a turn with the gavel
[talking to life insurance agent]
Let me get this right. I pay you until I die, then someone ELSE gets the money? No thanks.
Really enjoyed rearranging my onions into a different position this morning for half an hour. Huge day for us.
First rule of double entendre club is please let us know if you’re coming
[Romeo and Juliet as turtles]
ROMEO: Death hath sucked the honey of thy breath
JULIET: I’m just stuck on my back
R: we’re turtles, Juliet
I never set out to be the hottest woman in the nursing home yet here we are.