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It’s all fun and games until somebody fails a drug test.
I told our stepmom that when you first log onto Zoom calls, you’re supposed to put your face close to the camera and open your mouth really wide so other callers can examine your teeth.
My brother just sent me an angry text.
[invention of cap’n crunch]
satan: give them sugar croutons
“I can’t believe I own a Tesla!” I’m so sorry, is there anything I can do to help?
Co-Worker: Can I get a quick word?
Me: Velocity.
Co-Worker: …
Cats don’t come with instructions, so how is anyone supposed to know you can’t put them in the washing machine.
[family thanksgiving in 2020]
HER: hey the turkey is still frozen
ME: everyone else says it’s fine mom try logging out and back in
{In the Bedroom}
Wife: C’mon baby, DEEPER!
Me: *frantically reaching between the mattress and headboard* I’m trying! I don’t feel the remote anywhere.
Searched my teens room for drugs, was told “you don’t give me enough money for drugs.” I don’t know whether to be proud or up his allowance.
*eats 3 edibles*
…am….am I my dogs sugar daddy
Normalize hissing at people who stand too close to you in the checkout line.
Scar: Long live the king!
*lets Mufasa fall*
Simba: No!
Mufasa: *while falling* Simba, this is totally your fault for being the woooooorst–
Most people’s biggest concern while drunk is drunk texting. My son drunk replied an email and ran for office for his graduate program…and won. Congratulations to the new Director of Finance. I can’t make this shit up.
Magician: I’d like a volunteer to be cut in half
Me: I’ll do it
Magician: You’ll never love anyone as much as you did Emily
Me: *crying* He’s good
Wife: What
I told the kids we had 3 of them so we’ve got one to make money, one to marry into it, and whoever’s left gets to change my poopy diapers when I’m done looking after myself. Long story short, they’re now in a race to leave home first.
And that’s how you win at parenting.
He’s eating a burger and fries all nom nom nom and I’m over here eating a salad all non non non.
Alcohol may not be able to give you a loving hug when you need it but the Liquor Mart employee’s you’re buying it off of sure can.
My 3yo doesn’t understand Where’s Wally and just keeps hiding the book from his brother
If you tell me to pick a side, I’m always going to choose potato salad.
Sick of people telling me to “calm down” and “release the hostages.”
Good dog. ❤️
[first date]
HER: I love to learn
ME: (trying to impress her) I spent two extra years in high school
Just left WalMart. All the cute well behaved kids must be at Target.
Somehow, going into The Dollar Store and asking for a price check just never gets old.
Midwestern pride is suffering through cold morning temps in October without a coat because you don’t want to give Mother Nature the satisfaction and it will likely be summer again in the afternoon.
If you want your friends to stop asking you to work out with them, go once. Show up in leather. Bring your workout cake.
Fed the cat dog food and suddenly she’s barking at the mail man.
“White Purr!” – Ku Klux Kat
Playing horsey, but it’s just my 2yo granddaughter riding my last nerve.
Just saw someone call a non electric toothbrush an “acoustic toothbrush”