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I wish there was something called the pizza/enchilada/beer diet where you lost weight. Cause I’m on it and that’s not what’s happening.
The secret to immortality is looking like a slob. Have you ever seen a ghost looking like shit? No. No you have not
me: i’d sell my soul for clear skin.
dermatologist: drink more water.
me: [glaring] i SAID i’d sell my SOUL for clear skin
I’d like to take a moment to thank everyone who took time out of her or his busy schedule to tell me, “omg you look like hell.”
I have a ghost cat. My Litter Robot just told me it detected a 5.9 pound cat. I don’t have a 5.9 pound cat or one close to that weight.
Me: “Don’t piss me off, I can rip a phone book in half.”
10yo: “A phone what?”
Pro tip…Excessive use of alcohol can cause memory loss or worse memory loss.
My band in the 80s was the Sex Poodles. We needed Snoop Dogg.
[At Pharmacy]
Pharmacist: This medi…
Me: Can we just skip to the part where I pay? I brought my own water. I’ll take one now.
{about to have sex}
Her: *seductively kicks off heels and rips open blouse
Me: *panics as I look for a spot to set down my half eaten taco
(On a date)
Her: the last guy I dated was really immature, so I ended it.
Me: haha yeah that was a good call…
*deletes ‘funny goat sounds’ app from my phone under the table*
“I’ve got a couple of ideas I wanna run by you this afternoon,” my coworker threatened
Hairdresser: How much should I trim off the back?
Me: Leave it long enough for him to wrap around his fist twice.
Goodnight room
Goodnight moon
Goodnight neighbor’s Christmas lights that’ll stay up til June
Paid rent so I’ll be at home enjoying my purchase for the rest of the week.
Remember the days we could get out of bed without looking like a newborn pony trying to walk?
Good times.
what happens in quarantine stays in quarantine
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
How am I supposed to find my glasses if I’m not wearing my glasses!?
He died doing what he did best, trying to get a croc to wear a Croc.
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
Might cry like a baby hoping to get scooped up by a dingo.
This is not how I wanted to learn the Greek alphabet
*in bed*
Him: what’s your fantasy, baby?
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittles instead of gold
Him: No, like sexual
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittl-
Awww. It looks like the neighbors are having the police dept over for brunch..
If you love something set it on fire. If it doesn’t die, you have a dragon.
Pro tip:
Ask your boss if you can go home early since you’re not going to do anything anyways.
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with air horns that sound like Seth Rogan’s laugh.
If your name is Marco and you were in the dentist office waiting room this morning, just wanted to apologize for my three teenage daughters yelling, ‘Polo’ in unison after they called your name.