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Pretty sure I just heard a grown man wrestle a bear in a bathroom stall at Chipotle.
Me: I’m a little tea pot short and stout here is my handle here is my—
Wife: *jumping outta bed* it’s too weird
Her: hey handsome, why don’t you give me your number…
Me: …because I still need it.
In a parallel universe somewhere, Bruno Mars is listening to the radio & he’s sick of me being on every channel.
Googles: what to do with 100 dyed hard boiled eggs
Google: do you have any enemies?
[school]
TEACHER: how was your summer?STUDENT: great, I grew a foot
TEACHER: that’s cool, can I see it?
Friend 1: If I ever get married again, it’s going to be for love.
Friend 2: Well if I ever get married again, it’s going to be for money.
Me: If I ever get married again, it’s because I’m an idiot.
9-1-1 help, someone buried me alive *looks at phone* christ, and there’s no wifi
“I miss my label mates.”
“You’re a recording artist?”
“We collect beer labels let me show you my albums.”
“I need to get laid man!”
– eggs (in the chicken)
frog: kiss me, I’m a prince
her: ew gross
frog: you have a problem with frogs?
her: no, with the monarchy
Autocorrect changed “I’ll make better tweets” to “I’ll bake better tweets” so now I suspect my tweets are also cake.
Time for my annual harsh but true fitness assessment in the Target fitting room 🙁
Peregrine falcons: Attack from above. Prey on smaller birds. Silent. Cowards.
Geese: Will land in front of a full grown man. Hiss and honk to let you know battle has commenced. Audible boss music. Brave.
Just once I’d like to yell, “Don’t you know who I am?!” because I’m important, not because I’m drunk and actually forgot.
I don’t know what Dorothy’s problem was, tornadoes are great means of transportation
You woke me up for only THIS?! I yell at my bladder, pointing to the toilet
A teenage girl trying to find the right t-shirt, is far more decisive than me in front of 10 different sandwiches
Mommy, what are these?
“Put them back they are sleeping pills!”
Oh, then you shouldn’t yell
“Why?”
[whispering] YOU’LL WAKE THEM UP
This girl told me that eating a cake is the best way to calm you down.
I bet she never tried smashing it over someone’s face.
Telling everyone “great costume” whether or not they’re wearing one.
Kinky is when you bring a feather into the bedroom. Perverted is when you bring the whole chicken.
When a celebrity dies, who’s the helpful psychopath that immediately changes all the “is”s to “was”s on their Wikipedia page?
[During sex]
Me: * ˢᶦᵍʰʰʰ*
Him: Ok… Wanna role play?
Me: Sure, you’re a musician
Him: Oooh! Which one?!
Me: Bono
Him: Why Bono?
Me: You still haven’t found what you’re looking for.
Watermelons are just overweight diabetic cucumbers
If approached by a bear, you can play dead, or you can acknowledge the bear, say hello, and see what it needs. Have some decency
it takes 700 grapes to make a bottle of wine and that’s why you’re fat
5 year old: Does ‘Cupid’ mean ‘cute’ and ‘stupid’?
Me: It does now.
My mother is my travel agent for guilt trips.