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Just got your text from Saturday. Are you still being kidnapped?
Don’t trust anyone that orders a Medium Pizza….
*Unexpected item in the bagging area*
Me: Well what item exactly WERE you expecting?
AMERICA, EVERY WEEKEND: I just wanna Netflix and Chill lol.
THE WEEKEND EVERYONE NEEDS TO STAY INSIDE: It’s my God-given right to go outside and lick whatever I want.
my body’s saying “let’s go,” but my heart is saying “a pet iguana is a huge responsibility, mark.”
Friend:*terrified* don’t make a sound and maybe the killer won’t find us
Me: *quietly tries to tighten velcro sneakers*
If I say “last Star Wars” and u say “Actually you mean 3rd Star Wars! It’s a prequel!” I’m going to hit u with a fish tank.
My grandpa used to whip us grankids with his belt, but I know he did it out of love: he really loved whipping children.
Google search history:
•Gloves keep growing on tree?
•How do I get hand in tight gloves?
•Can gloves piss/bite?
•What is a squirrel?
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
My 5yo asked me to show him how high I can jump in case you’re wondering why I’ll be limping tomorrow.
I’ll be mad as hell!
My kids: ROAD TRIP!
My kids, ten minutes later:
my kids are suddenly asking why the leprechaun didn’t bring them anything or cause any chaos in our house and apparently me yelling “we aren’t Irish!!” isn’t a good enough explanation?
Answering: How are you?
“Good”
-lame
-probably a lie
-will have you ask “how are you” in return“Not good”
-lame
-looks weak
-incites follow-up questions“That’s confidential”
-inventive
-sounds mysterious
-allows to answer follow-up questions with “that’s confidential” too 😀
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
“I saw a flock of cows today”
“Flock of cows?”
“Yes a flock of cows”
“Herd of cows?”
“Of course I’ve heard of cows, I saw a flock of them!”
BOSS: You ok?
ME: Yeah, why?
BOSS: You have a sign that says “2 Days Without Being Annoyed”
[maintaining eye contact, I change it to 0]
[hospital]
Me: this knee surgery will be a breeze!
Nurse: you have a great attitude!
Me: well even my blood type is B Positive : )
Nurse: aw : )
[funeral]
My Widow: his blood type was not B Positive.
Recipes in your 40s should be like, the first thing you’re going to want to do with the frozen bag of peas is ice your knees.
ENTER PASSWORD
password
YOUR PASSWORD IS TOO LITERAL PLEASE TRY AGAIN
again
ARE YOU KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW
fourth time’s the charm
Pluto wasn’t even a planet for a full year on Pluto. Do you ever think about that? No. You only think about yourself.
At my funeral, take the bouquet off my coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
Waiter: Any questions about the menu?
Me: Exactly how old are these ancient grains? I don’t want to eat anything that’s expired.
[slipping waiter a five dollar bill]
can you make sure my green beans and mac n cheese don’t touch on the plate
me: I’m into essential oils
pal: oh yeah, what’s ur favourite
me: canola
Well, look who I ran into at the liquor store. First I thought he was shopping so didn’t wanna bother him, but then I saw the shirt and thought “wait a minute, he works here?!”
Turns out, he’s the owner. A quiet life away from the glitz & glam. May we all learn a thing or two 🙌
Sure I could remove the price tags off the merchandise in this store but at what cost?
Damn I just accidentally punched myself in the face while removing a bralette! That will teach me