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Him: *stares at my face
Him: *points to his lips
Me: *OMG He loves me & wants to kiss!
Him: “you have mayo on your face”Me: *dies alone
Netflix and scroll through the selections until it’s too late to start watching anything.
I remember when I could put my shoes on standing up and had that one legged balancing act perfected. It was one Saturday back in 1994, but I remember it.
I sleep with a knife under my pillow in case someone breaks in and needs to filet a fish
Parenting is a delicate balancing act where you need to teach your kids numbers but not well enough that they’re able to tell the time when you send them to bed early
I don’t have a girlfriend but sometimes I like to pretend that I do; I just stand in my room screaming “That’s not what I said!”
Men’s underwear should be called “manhole covers”
the 3 types of Beach Boys songs are “look, a pretty lady!” “boats are cool” and “I will die alone”
deleting dating apps because i want to meet someone the old fashioned way (riding an unsinkable luxury ship right into an iceberg)
[First date]
DATE: Tell me something unique about yourself.
ME: Well, I always sleep with one arm under my pillow.
DATE: Lots of people do that. Anything more interesting?
ME: It’s not my arm.
Focused so much on my cupboard making hobby, that I ended up pushing my friends and family away. Now I’m all alone, it’s just me, my shelf and I
If I had a time machine I would simply go back to the late 90s & tell teenage me that Ticketmaster is never going to get any better & to temper my expectations.
Fun fact: The confetti you’ll see in Times Square tonight was made from one CVS receipt.
Waiter: What dressing would you like on your salad?
Me: Ice cream
This classic never gets old . . .
6yo: *non stop talking*
Me: *tells 6yo to go read*
6yo: *comes out of room every 2 min to tell me about the book*
You take the garbage out and forget to put a new liner in the kitchen trash can and your family throws garbage in anyway because team work.
Until I had kids I wasn’t aware that Hakuna Matata could be sung in such a threatening manner
I like washing dishes by hand because it relaxes my mind, plus you can use the steak knives to play Wolverine.
Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.
Then they call me ugly and poor.
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
A movie where humans escape their fences and chase innocent, terrified dinosaurs.
What doesn’t kill you, forces me to reload.
I was laid off by Twitter today. I’m an algorithmicist and psychological operations specialist looking to possibly transition into nation-state level disinformation broadcasting roles. Please DM me if you have any leads!
‘Wouldn’t you like a butterscotch?’
‘Sure, just hold the butter.’
Ron on Facebook says he hopes to be stuck on a dessert island, so naturally I commented “that sounds delicious”.
I don’t think people in real life will recognize me from my avi. Usually when they see me, I’m not wearing sunglasses or clothes.
Date: I love car chase action scenes
Me, a fruit stand vendor: I think we’re done here
“I’m so sorry”
“No, I’m really sorry”
“No, I’m even sorrier than you”
“No, I’m the sorriest ever!”
*mutual hug*
-Canadian rap battle