@CrapLocalNews: Breaking news:
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@eedrk: alien: take me to your leader me: uh i'm the leader alien: oh, chill. anyway, me: why didnt you think i was the leader alien: no no, me: why
@N0pantz: Plan B and pregnancy tests should be sold at the Liquor Store as a 'one stop shop' kinda thing. Save all that judgment for one cashier.
@ohpegah: [my first attempt at standup] ME: So, I was at the gym the other day... MY STALKER (from the back): lol no you weren't
@AtticusFinch79: I'm so oblivious to someone flirting with me that if they told me to take my shirt off I'd assume it was because I spilled something on it