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I can’t do small talk I just asked the lady cutting my hair what she does for a living
*Husband forgets to close screen on door*
*4 hrs later*
Me: *feels furriness on my leg in bed*
*rolls over*
Squirrel: *stares*
Day 65: My dog still insists on acting happy to see people despite my example and training
That awkward moment when you run into your old pizza guy and you’re with your new much younger pizza guy.
“Babe I wanna ask you something”
*gets down on one knee*
“When The Little Mermaid became human, how’d she know to use a toilet?”
*ties shoe*
Sex so good the neighbors make you sandwiches.
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
My safe word is “I WANT YOUR BABIES”
boy, pass me my luxury grilled pregnant smelt
[Takes dog to park]
*waits for romantic comedy to begin
90% of parenting, is saying different variations of “We don’t eat waffles with our feet”.
Stop asking dumb questions on the internet; ask for money.
charcuterie boards are great bc where else can you consume thousands of calories worth of a mysterious cheese you keep eating bc you can’t figure out if you like it or not
From a friend in the Nat’l lPark Service. They’ve thought this through.
No matter what country they’re in ducks always have the same quaccent.
One day the mailman is going to murder my whole family and my dog will be like “Ha. Who needs to quit yapping and go lay down now?”
Therapist: OK, lie on the couch for me.
Woman: I’m a penguin.
Therapist: No, I meant lie down.
I can’t afford Ugg boots, so I just never shave below the knee to create the illusion that I’m wearing them.
My five year old keeps asking about our plans “over the holidays.” By “the holidays” she’s referring to her birthday next month.
*seductively slides hand along store shelf to distract you*
*grabs last bag of Cheetos*
*tucks, rolls, and runs away*
work smarter, not harder
*Asteroid is hurtling toward Earth*
ESPN Broadcaster: This asteroid could have an enormous impact on the playoffs.
I hired a person to randomly show up throughout the day and put baskets of bread on my desk.
‘A confident swipe of the debit card’ is my favorite fantasy.
The fake cough I use when calling in sick is now available on iTunes.
HANNIBAL: thanks for coming over for dinner
HALF-EATEN CANADIAN: thanks for having me
How to make friends as an adult:
1. Say “we should hang!”
2. Do not hang.
3. Say “we should hang!” 6 months later.
4. Cancel.
5. Reschedule.
6. Respect their cancelation.
7. Reschedule.
8. Actually hang.
9. Say “we should do this more often!”
10. Die.
[crime scene]
Boss: What do you think happened here?Me: The killer obviously rearranged the bodies to fit inside these chalk shapes
Boss: We drew those
Me: Another good theory
The Godfather: keep your friends close, but your enemies closer
Mrs The Godfather: WHAT
Snakes, cats, madagascar cockroaches, and my daughter all hiss when they’re angry. This seems like the form of self-care I’m missing.