@CrapLocalNews: Breaking news:
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@IrishVin: My neighbour finally confronted me about clothes missing from her washing line. I nearly shit her pants.
@hippieswordfish: ME: how do u get girls SCUMBAG GUY: gotta brag about the size of ur, ya know...organ [later at the bar] ME: hey baby i got a real big colon
@Laser_Cat: They say if you love something you should let it go, but I don't think this pastrami sandwich will come back to me, so I'm just eating it.