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First date idea: you buy me a castle in Scotland
my friends: “im not a hater but-”
me: “dont worry i am”
In my family, we settle all disputes by pointing out the other’s short comings and failures and whoever starts crying first loses.
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
As suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.
doctor: the results don’t look good
me: oh god, why?
doctor: *shaking head* the printer ran out of ink
EXECUTOR OF MY WILL: I’m so sorry for your loss. Mr. Nadeau has requested he be mummified, but in Fruit Roll-Ups.
WIFE: *Knocks on coffin* Andrew. You have to stop doing this. Are you alive?
ME: *Muffled* No.
WIFE:
ME: *Muffled but sadder* Maybe.
I bet Thor would lose his shit if he knew how many hammers are at Home Depot.
Wife: how’s potty training been today?
Me: he peed twice!
Wife: that’s great!
Me: *covered in piss* no, it’s not.
[end of the night]*hand running through her hair, pulls out a lizard*
ME: no not again
*she unzips jacket, collapses into a pile of lizards*
When you’re alone in your room, start doing karate so ghosts know what’s up.
bewitching sea ghost seeks unwary sailor for fulfillment of ancient curse, maybe more
That moment you realize “The Beatles” is a pun.
I’m over here having to get my kids snacks and stressing about life yet my parents are just sitting in their house, retired.
i’ve grown my mustache down over my mouth and all the other ventriloquists here are wondering why they never thought of that before
It went from “Oh, you guys really want to get to know your mom” to “Why are you asking me all these questions?” to “Which of my accounts are you trying to get into?”
Relationships are easy as pie!
*burns pie*
My hobbies include knitting and leaving one star reviews on recipes when I used different ingredients and different techniqes and it turned out gross.
You guys remember back before Google when we would just sit around and wonder about shit ….?
*Brings Ouija board to Thanksgiving
Ouija: G O B B L E
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
Wife: What is that?
Me: Did you know killer whales are really the largest dolphin in the world?
Wife: I don’t care, just get it OUT of our pool!
Me: [whispering] Don’t worry, Dolphin Lundgren…she’ll come around.
clerk: looks like you got big plans for the new year
me: yeah *filling my cart with fireworks* imma fight the sky
WAP when I’m involved is likely to be Waffles and Pancakes
i feel like nothing is gonna happen to twitter idk i just always felt like this app would be here surviving at the end of the world like a cockroach
I’ve been kicked out of my gym for dressing like the grim reaper and standing silently behind people on treadmills.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I used her Bourbon and Brown Sugar facial scrub on the Turkey.
Told my son I needed some non talking time while I drank my coffee so instead he sat next to me and hummed the godzilla theme.
“How many fingers do I have up?”
– a gynecologist who thinks he’s really funny
My prediction: the Euro Cup final will be won by whichever team first figures out that there’s nothing in the rules that says you can’t grab the ball with your hands and run into the goal with it