BREAKING NEWS: 23 injured while running with bulls. Authorities say injuries happened because folks were stupid enough to run… with bulls.
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One of the benefits of eating healthier is that you never have to ask questions like, “Who ate my kale?”
There is a huge body of evidence to support the notion that me and the police were put on this earth to do extremely different things.
[Google Search History]
1. Do raccoons like to cuddle?
2. What does rabies smell like?
3. I can’t feel my face.
Back in my day, ketchup only came in glass bottles. I’m grateful for the life lessons it taught me; most problems can easily be solved with patience or a knife.
[saying goodnight in French]
me: bon nuit
autocorrect: bone unit
Getting vaccinated in Canada isn’t complicated. All you have to do is find an old raccoon, correctly answer their riddles, accept a quest to go on a hike through the Northwest Territories to locate an ancient bottle of maple syrup where you will be greeted by an old witch who-
If I were a gunslinger I’d bedazzle my holster. The other killers wouldn’t take me seriously, maybe think I’m just packing a glue gun. Big mistake.
It’s a good thing I’m not a bird. They’d be telling me I needed to fly south and I’d be like look guys, I only do right or left.
For a happy marriage, never closely watch them eat.
My dog sets an impossible bar on how to greet my wife when she comes home.
Don’t “pshhh” me, you stupid bus.
[restaurant]
waiter: welcome, have you dined here with us before?
me: no but I know how to order food
I can easily make lemonade, but I have no idea what to do when life gives me a fitted sheet.
#titanic
Alcohol is the leading cause of me getting yelled at for being a pterodactyl on the coffee table.
My hobby is removing unnecessary apostrophes from business signs in the dead of night
If I ever really want my kids’ attention I can just make a YouTube video of me “unboxing” whatever I need to say.
[High Stakes Poker]
Dealer: Are you in or are you out?
Schrödinger’s Cat: [For the 20th time]
BOTH
[Player flips table]
Happy 3rd birthday to the yogurt in my refrigerator
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *hands him a puppy and drives off*
[3 years later]
COP *walking his dog*: wait a second…
Had my novel “Noah: The Early Years” rejected. They said the story lacks an ark.
One of the kids said, “Camping looks fun,” so tonight we’re watching The Revenant.
Today I beat my personal record of consecutive days alive.
If you eat a whole taco before your family gets to the table they won’t know you started without them
Tried new pain medication, and an hour later 3 penguins in military fatigues walked into the room and told me I need to kill Mussolini’s cat
For all those men who say”Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?”
I say: why buy an entire pig just to get a little sausage!
When I empty the dishwasher, I pretend to be a Blackjack dealer and deal out the silverware.
Nothing’s labeled clearly, I was promised tea & never got any, the criminal justice system is barbaric.
~ Alice’s Yelp review of Wonderland
Got kicked outta Starbucks for trying to order a venti mocha choca latta ya-ya creole lady marmalaaaaaaaaade.