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[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: omg what did I do, why don’t you want to have sex with me anymore?
My mom told me not to hang out with bad girls, she never said don’t be one.
“i saw your ex” – a truly unnecessary piece of information
judge: I hereby sentence you to 68 years in prison
my lawyer: your honor my client respectfully requests a year be added to his sentence
Well, that’s disappointing. I called every crematorium in the state, and they all only do dead people.
Chomsky? I’m afraid I don’t Noam
“Is that a dead body?” I heard a young child ask her mom as they passed me by. So, yeah, skiing is going pretty well.
[at the park]
SON: dad dad what’s that in the sky?! (points at helicopter)ME: (forgetting the word helicopter) that son is……a blenderplane
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
“Are you submissive? 😏”
No, I’m off my meds with nothing left to lose
I am eggnogstic as in eggnog is my lord and savior
Wife & son backing out in the car,
4yo: “So LONG, suckers!” [slams garage door]
4yo [opens door again]: “Not you Mommy!”
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
A great way to make people nervous is to tell them where the bathroom is without their asking.
meal prep? you mean putting on a bib?
Hey Fugeddaboutit
I love how one day my body just decided “You know what you really need is some ear hair.”
[during a plane crash]
Woman sitting next to me: OMG WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!
Me: WHEEEEEEEEE!!!!
I inform my 4 year old that she’s going to a friend’s house 5 minutes before we leave so she only asks me when we’re going 6000 times.
me: I was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: you’re not even a suspect
me: I just wanted u to know
Nobody:
Me: people died on the Titanic but the lobsters were set free.
Mobster: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Lobster: that’s not the threat you think it is, Tony
I was kicked out of mime school once. I hadn’t put the safety lock on and my finger guns went off. The whole class took cover in their boxes
due to circumstances outside of my control I ended up at an Applebees and let me say it is absolutely phenomenal to have gen z in the work force. the waitress held up a plate, wrinkled her nose, and went “I wanna say these are…ribs?”
– Are you even listening to me?
– Of course I am
– Ok, what did I just ask you?
– If I’m listening to you
Juror: we find the defendant guilty
Me: objection your honour! U already asked me if I was guilty & I told u I wasn’t
Judge: he has a point
Ever wonder what happens when you piss into a Brita filter? Well, for starters, you get a TON of emails from Airbnb.
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: what does that mean?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: what did you say?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: one more time my ears aren’t the best.
God: you have perfect hearing.
Dog:
God:
Dog:
God: you’re a good boy.
Dog: [tail wag] : )
When you meet a flat-earther in real life don’t bother arguing. You need to immediately outcrazy that shit. “Don’t tell me you believe in ‘Earth,’” you’ll demand.