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I saw a sign that said “bridge subject to icing” and I thought “that sounds delicious”
[Entire house is full of trees]
Girlfriend: What did you do?!
Me: You told me to spruce things up.
GF: Everything’s stuck to everything!!!
Ok I just started watching House M.D.:
1 Does everyone gang up and beat House’s other leg?
2 does a rival Token come in to challenge Omar?
twitter: you don’t owe ANYONE an explanation. ghost him. it’s called SELF CARE
twitter the next day: ghosting is literally physical abuse. DO NOT under any circumstances ghost ANYONE because they will likely decide to take their own life and you will be held solely responsible.
What I really need to know is what exactly is a marie kondo, and can I eat one?
[first day as a surgeon]
Nurse: you can’t operate on a patient without gloves!
Me: of course. we don’t want his hands getting cold.
There’s no limit to a child’s imagination? My 2 year old is yelling at me for taking too big of a bite from her pretend sandwich and she can’t make another one because we’re all out of pretend bread.
A hug and slap are both powerful but not everyone deserves a hug.
ME: *catches the bouquet* Yes! I’m next, losers! Haha!
SOME RELATIVE: This is a strange funeral reception.
doctor: you fell 5 feet and hit your head. you might have some brain damage
me: did i break my legs?
doctor: it was only 5 feet
me: and they’re ALL broken?!
an article: “young people”
me (hasn’t been young in a very long time): ah they mean me
Sorry can’t. Calling NASA and making alien noises
“Feels nice on the ol’ bits, don’t it?”
“That it do, Clyde, that it do.”
Me: What’s the score, who’s winning?
Therapist: Ok so that’s really not how couples counseling works.
Me: Time for bed
7: But can we watch Back to the Future?
Me: No
7: Empire Strikes Back?
Me: No
7: Karate Kid?
Me: I see what you’re doing and I respect it but the answer’s still no
Predator reluctantly turning off it’s cloaking technology so it can wash it’s hands at a sensor faucet
You attract more men when you smell like butter, sautéed ham and onions than any expensive perfume.
Me: haha why would I stop eating cheese because of what you heard in a horoscope
Doctor: stethoscope
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
Well doctor, my problem is basically this: when it snows, my eyes become large and the light that you shine can be seen.
*cooks for 2 hours with all fresh ingredients*
My family: it’s ok*throws in frozen pizza*
My family: yayyyy pizzaaaa!
“Instruction manuals are for amateurs,” I proclaim, just prior to assembling the item in such a way that not even the manufacturer would recognize it
I grew up in the 70s. If there was a bowl of fruit on the kitchen table it was made out of plastic and lead paint
It’s all fun and games until you realize that cute little puppy that you took in is the most proficient shitting machine that ever walked the earth.
We DID NOT walk 500 mile.
And we WOULD NOT walk 500 more.~ The Disclaimers.
adulthood means having ice cream for dinner and regret for dessert
It has come to my attention that some of you are eating the bottom half of cupcakes. That is the peel, people. Know your fruit.
If nothing else, the iOS7 update has proved it’s usefulness by automatically adding the little accent mark to the word jalapeño for me.