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I once saw a real bear in the wild and said “Aww, look at him!” What I’m saying is, don’t turn to me for practical thinking in an emergency.
the pigeons are already plenty salty
He died doing what he did best, trying to get a croc to wear a Croc.
MOM: are you seriously planting cameras around the house just so you can do that Jim Halpert thing when ur annoyed?
ME: [looks at camera]
A man has been jailed for forging banknotes.
He also got a big fine which he immediately paid in crisp $9 notes.
I sometimes double click on a trojan horse to see if there are soldiers hiding inside.
Insomnia: Hi
Me: Hi
I: Hope I’m disturbing you
M: You are
I: You know what we could do?
M: Let me sleep?
I: HA, no, let’s think about hippos
World: Hey check out this sport we made called football.
America: *sips beer* Check out this other sport I just made called football.
I like to put a banana in each pocket just to confuse people.
Mark Zuckerberg came up with the idea for Facebook when he was at a party & a racist uncle wrote a bible quote on a painting then poked him
[space]
MARS: March was named after me
PLUTO: So, Mickey Mouse’s dog was named after me
MARS: …
PLUTO: …
MARS: I’m a planet
PLUTO: Sonuvabi—
*flips table*
YO WHO CALLED THEM EXPIRATION DATES INSTEAD OF SPOILER ALERTS
Kid: Mommy what time is it?
Me{Showering}: Go look at the clock
*Kid walks past daddy
*Looks at clock
*Walks back past daddy
Kid: Theres a 2 & a 9 & a 8
Me: Which is first?
*Kid walks past daddy
*Looks at clock
Kid: Now theres 2 nines
Me: It’s 9:..
Kid: WAIT LET ME CHECK AGAIN!
If homosexuals come out of the closet, do necrophiliacs come out of the casket?
wife: What do you want for dinner?
me: What do you want me to want?
I would marry Christopher Walken just so I could listen to him talk and regret it three months in.
Took my 4-year-old to an amusement park and she loved one of the rides. She will not stop asking when she gets to ride the escalator again. Money well spent…
My doctor said I look pretty & I am taking that as her professional medical opinion no take backsies
Sensei: you have learned much, my child
Nonsensei: flamingos are extremely inconsiderate
ME: my ideal first date? well to me it dosent matter wat we do as long as we share a conection
JOB INTERVIEWER: i meant how soon can u start
Have you ever thought about how weird it is that one of your hands is dumber than the other?
I’m sorry you didn’t find out that the Applebee’s gift card I gave you for your birthday doesn’t work until after you ate. I found out the hard way too.
Cain was the first to call out Abelism.
I really hope that I look like the mirror version of me and not the camera version.
Wanna delight in the fact that you’ve been tricking the kids by using white instead of black pepper so they won’t complain that dinner is “too spicy”?
THEN DON’T TELL YOUR HUSBAND WHAT YOU DID!
Swordfish: my nose looks ridiculous.
God: at least you have a cool name.
Swordfish: so?
God: I could have made you look ridiculous AND have a dumb name.
Swordfish: but why would you do that to someone?
Hammerhead Shark: yes God why would you do that to someone?
If alcohol has calories and calories are energy then cocktails are energy drinks
Is he dead?
Is he dead?
Is she dead?
Is HE dead?
What about him?
Is SHE dead?
-My kids watching 80s music videos.
Superman’s Google searches:
“Strongest hero”
“Strongest hero. Not Hulk”
“Fastest hero”
“Fastest hero. Not Flash”
“Phone booth for sale”
[Considering whether a recipe is easy enough to attempt]
Recipe: First, finely chop—
Me: I’m out.