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“what’s it like having a sister?”
All I’m saying is never ask a bald man if he remembers something off the top of his head.
Every email I ever send: Hello! I am extremely excited to be corresponding with you! You can tell by the number of exclamation points I use! Here is one sentence with a period so that I don’t come across as manic. Thanks!
{notices you’re wearing silver earrings}
sorry your ears came in 2nd
Haven’t had a conversation like this in months
I’ve tried everywhere so I can confirm that there is no snooze button on a baby.
7: are eggs vegetables?
10: no! and they’re not fruit either, they’re children!
ZzzQuil should come with a warning label saying “May cause you to wake up naked at a 7 Eleven while everyone is staring at you.”
my neighbor is SO SWEET she somehow decided all of us neighbors on both sides love wind chimes SO MUCH she bought wind chimes for her backyard
My 5-year-old just asked if we could have Hotdog Bell for dinner.
There is no Hotdog Bell here.
I’m not sure if there’s a Hotdog Bell at all.
Remember folks, the camera adds ten pounds – unless you’re good at selfie angles like me, in which case it subtracts 30 *wink
What Nasa dont want you to know is those space suits they wear, those are actually bee keepers outfits.
Space is full of bees.
The moon is actually a giant hive, its where we get like 95% of our honey from. Check that moon landing footage again, its not grainy, thats a swarm.
Good morning to everyone except the sentient computer who locked me out of the space station
*sips iced coffee*
man I’ve been feeling so anxious lately
*has another iced coffee*
I wonder why I had that panic attack the other night
*chugs redbull*
my social anxiety has been a waking nightmare
*takes a bath in cold brew and espresso with a 5 hour energy face mask*
[First date]
Her: I like bad boys.
Me: *trying to impress* I have it on Blu-ray.
[plant facts!!]
bananas are technically berries
almonds are seeds
avocados are mammals
most cucumbers are haunted
potatoes aren’t even real
I’m no super genius, but I bet the most effective way to lose “baby weight” is to have the baby.
in today’s episode of ‘how strong is your marriage’ we take a trip to Home Depot to pick out a shade of white
The most unbelievable thing about Die Hard is that the office Christmas Party is happening on Christmas Eve.
[Restaurant]
Waiter: Compliments of the chef.
*He opens silver platter and post-it notes with the words ‘You’re beautiful’ pour out*
*feels painful possible cavity*
*eats chocolate to feel better*
I just saved a bundle on future college tuition by finding out my 4 year old wants to be a gum ball when he grows up.
[JAIL VISITATION]
WIFE: I got u a cake
ME: U know I don’t like sugar
W: U need a BREAK, OUT of ur diet
M: It’s not a diet, it’s a lifestyle
It’s crazy how quick women are to cut each other’s throats over a guy!
I mean I’d understand if it were shoes….but a guy???
“Your name?”
“Annie, R.U.O.K
“Annie, R.U.O.K?”
“R.U.O.K, Annie”
If I ever run out of food, I can survive for 3 or 4 days on the stuff stuck to the walls of my microwave.
ME: I’m dead inside.
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: Dead inside. Jesus, is this your first fuckin day?
My daughters moved out on their own and they call me periodically to ask for advice and answers. I kind of thought watching me raise them would have proven that I’m winging it, but for some reason, they think that I know things?