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Me: In Top Gun: Maverick, Goose’s son should’ve been played by Ryan Gosling
Halloween ’94: Mom says store sold out of Batman costumes and buys me a Catwoman one. Called me Catman. The worst part: she went as Batman?
if he likes you he will let you know. if he wants to talk to you, he’ll text. do nothing. you’re a beautiful object. pretend you’re a tree
“Does my uniform make me look fat?” -Insecurity guard
If Scientists invent a pill to make us immortal, I guarantee I’d choke to death swallowing it.
I left my milkshake in the yard too long
And the boys got food poisoning
[wife putting groceries away]
“where’s the bread?”
i got mugged
“specifically for bread?”
[cuts to me feeding a duck i hide in the shed]
yes
My 8yr just said we go together like biscuits and cream cheese. And I can’t tell if that’s a compliment or contradiction
If you spin an oriental person around until they get dizzy, do they become disoriented? #LifeQuestions
Packing in my 20s: Toothbrush and bikini
Packing in my 30s: Those things plus a swim suit cover up, 3 face creams, hair products to cover up postpartum hair loss, spanks, sensible shoes, and denture cream.
The Pope quit. Meteor in Russia. Snowing in Arizona. Star Wars and Star Trek have the same director. Who the hell is playing Jumanji?
guys you should DM random girls shit like
“I heard the queen died and I got rly worried something happened to u, babe”
Crazy how my 5yo can explain something in painstaking detail unless it’s anything I specifically asked her.
I’ve got all my ducks in a row but these chickens have no concept of symmetry.
I’m playing chess against my gardener. Your move, Jesus.
“Still too cold… Still too cold…”
“Screw it, I can’t be late again.”
if you ever need to teach me a lesson, there is no reason to send three ghosts. a single ghost will do. im not committed enough to any of my negative personality traits to be like “sorry but i’m gonna keep on stealing from walmart unless you make this a multi-ghost situation”
at library
ME: This book wasn’t helpful at all!
LIBRARIAN: Why? What’s the problem?
BIRD: [mockingly] “Why? What’s the problem?”
My neighbor Totoro just planted like five hundred trees overnight. Big mistake pal. Prepare to face the full wrath of the homeowners association.
“You promise you didn’t get me bees again”
[me from a distance] just open it
Me, 19 at my first real corporate job: this is awesome. Why is everyone so grumpy??
me, 17 yrs later at same company: I swear to everything Carol if you “reply to all” one more damn time I will rip your face off and use it as a mask!!!!!
[Thanksgiving dinner]
WIFE: These potatoes are burnt to a crisp
ME: Those are for tomorrow
WIFE: Because…tomorrow is Bla-
ME: Black Fry Day
women in PHLEGM (Philosophy, History, Languages, English Literature, Geography, Music)
Losing a loved one during the holidays is tough. My dad died during Toyotathon
ME: Don’t you see, the treasure is our friendship
PIRATE: …Aye
ME: 😊
P: I cherish ya me matey but honestly ya misled me a tad didn’t ya
This lady was being so rude to me in the grocery line so rather than say anything to her, I invited everyone behind her to go ahead of me. Today, I had time.
Sometimes I get bored and tell people I’ve never had pizza before.
Happy #InternationalWomensDay to my wife. I’m no expert, but I think she may have overwatered her plant today.
a horror film where the victim walks into her kitchen and everyone she’s muted on twitter is standing there drinking coffee
hm. i’ve been alive 26 years and I still do not know what you’re supposed to eat for lunch on thanksgiving in order to maximize your dinner enjoyment