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I was mowing with earbuds. My mom pulls up. I motion I can’t hear. She gives OK sign and proceeds to motion by thumping her chest. Pointing to her house and puts up 9 fingers. Idk wtf is happening. She gets mad and speeds off. Cause ya know, it’s my fault obviously.
Teach your kids how to drive a car, get a job, cook, & do laundry from day one. The quicker they learn this, the faster they can move out.
Me: *joins a throw pillow of the month club*
Husband: *cries*
There’s no cool way to get your braces unstuck from the carpet.
Batman: Damn! Someone needs me!
Date: That’s not the bat signal!
Batman:
Date:You’re just doing shadow puppettry on the wall with your hands
[limbo contest]
Everyone: *chanting* how low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
i just got paid $40 for a 9 second video of me brushing my teeth. i will never do anything for free again.
“Where have you been all my life?”
In a secure psychiatric unit. Next question.
can’t talk rn I’m busy cyberbullying people who paint over solid wood antique furniture
My toxic trait is telling people I’m down for anything when in reality I mean not after 8 pm, food should be involved, and it also depends on the weather, the parking situation, and how tired I am
Oh honey, that’s not “causing a scene”.
Here, check this out…
I let friend’s kid call my ex & say “Are you really my daddy?” while I’m in the background yelling “hang up the phone,he doesn’t want you!”
Exposing kids to violent video games is appalling. They should be in church praying to a bloody statue of a man nailed to a cross in agony.
Date: Before you I had Brazilian boyfriends
Me: That’s not even a real number
I have this theory that McDonald’s hamburgers are actually made out of their employees. That’s why they’re always hiring.
i love meeting boys on tinder
I’m sorry Mr. Simmons. I really enjoy babysitting little Timmy, but I’m only 14. I need real money, not bitcoin.
My doctor: you really need to work on getting that D into you
Me: bro I’m trying, I’ve got a date next week and everything
My spirit animal is a fat raccoon struggling to get into a dumpster
Hockey is more enjoyable if you pretend they’re fighting over the world’s last Oreo.
I can’t wait for Halloween so that I can walk around with a bloody carving knife without being questioned.
I walk into the bathroom only to be greeted by my dad’s masterpiece
*first date*
her: I can suck a golf ball through a garden hose
me: I like the sound of that
her: mmmmm oh do you now.
me: yes, I have two young kids. any chance you could suck a ham and cheese sandwich out of a dvd player?
Nobody:
8: “Mommy! Did you know that cowboys say YEE-HA! and ninjas say HEE-YA!”
[Takes dog to park]
*waits for romantic comedy to begin
morpheus: you can take the red pill, or the blue one
me: *slapping them onto the ground* winners don’t do drugs
[Picking up a prescription]
Pharmacist: Wait. You’re Rodney Lacroix?
Me: Um. Yes.
Pharmacist: I’ve heard you’re funny.
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me: Well, right now I feel like I’m dying so can I have my prescription?
Pharmacist: omg you’re hysterical
GOOGLE USER: What are symptoms of skin cancer
GOOGLE: 20% off best skin cancer now
[office]
BOSS: are you busy
ME: would you like me to be