Spring is finally here. Time to clean the dog shit in the yard.
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*family meeting at Noah’s house* who wants us to do what by when?
Twitter is like a conversation at the water cooler. If the water cooler was full of vodka. And you could smoke. And the boss was out of town
Hot waitresses give me anxiety. I don’t need some babe rolling up on me while I’m jamming food in my face.
Not to brag or anything, but I got the high score on my scale today.
“Are you listening?”
“Yes.”
“Are you REALLY listening?”
“I really am.”
“But I mean, are you-”
“I’m not gonna say it, Dave.”
So much has changed in such a short period of time. But whoa is still spelled whoa.
“Say ur a bad girl”
I’m a bad girl
“oooh yeah, and tell me what bad girls do…”
ooh i’m gonna sign up for 3 months of yoga and only go twice
I was offered a free apron once, but there were strings attached
No Google it does not
My boss want to sign us up for a 401k. No way I’m running that far.
Q: How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
A: You look for the fresh prints!
I’ll show myself out y’all
I’ve been introducing myself as Jim The Chosen One ever since I was named milk monitor in grade 6.
Everyone rags on Facebook, but where else can you get a weather update, religious counseling, and a peach cobbler recipe all in one site.
My neighbor mentioned that her husband has baby soft feet, and don’t think I’m not going to bring that up every time I see him from now on.
People that say, “If you already have a couple of kids, what’s a couple more?” have obviously never had four kids.
My Aunt Mabel was fond of saying that something was “uglier than homemade sin” but when asked what store bought sin might have looked like, she’d just get pissed.
If by “new money” you mean it hasn’t been printed yet, yes, that’s me.
my phone: here’s a
n o t i f i c a t i o nme: not now my little radiation rectangle, not now
I think Jesus came up with that whole virgin birth story. No one wants to picture their parents doing it.
[lightning strike super close to our house]
5-year-old: Missed me.
I respect the guy who drives his Blue BMW through the White Castle drive thru. It’s like he’s saying: “I’m better than you—but not by much.”
We all look like talking skeletons to Superman. Even his parents. I don’t know how that kid slept at night.
just realized i have no idea what goes on inside a dishwasher after i hit the start button. for all i know there could be a tiny man in there washing each dish by hand.
Every time my kids start whining I get the urge to call my mom and apologize
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
If your job is so “essential” that you can’t get off for a killer global pandemic, you deserve $15 an hour and a union.
You can go straight to hell! Well, unless you’re being chased by an alligator, in which case I recommend zig-zagging your way to hell.
“Hey. You sleeping? No? Whatcha thinkin about? Hey. Did you hear me? Hey. Hey. Ok. You’re boring. I’m leaving… Jk I’m back. Hey” – Birds